31 Days of Self Love - Day 31

I can't believe I've done this for thirty-one full days (or that March is over after today, and that maybe - just maybe - Spring is around the corner in this cold Pennsylvania tundra).

Going forward, how can you commit to loving yourself everyday? Seriously, this is something I struggle with on a daily basis. Writing has actually helped - being honest with myself about what I struggle with, and what I am good at has really opened up my eyes. I am going to continue to work on finding the good in myself and in every day - and being honest with myself about the not-so-good and working to improve it.

I've also started to like myself more since I created my own personal space in my home. To be fair, I share that personal space with the dogs and cats (they bring me peace - they get to stay). It's nice to have a sort of sanctuary room that I can sit down and write, lie down on the bed and relax, or crochet. I'm going to let myself not feel guilty when I need quiet alone time to think, to plan, to just exist. Being able to do something just for me manages to make me love myself more - and I'm so proud of that.

31 Days of Self Love - Day 30

Despite the best of intentions, I never hopped back on here last evening to write this out. So, double posts this morning! My day did get better, though, for anyone who actually read my depressed ranting yesterday. On to bigger and better things - and a better attitude today.

What labels (negative and positive) do you assign to yourself? After my rotten day two days ago, and early yesterday, I feel like I have a lot of my negative labels bubbling to the surface.

Let's start with the negatives: I'm critical (but really, only of myself - I see the best in things that everyone else can do, and the worst in what I can do). I feel like this is really my main weakness - that I'm just so critical of myself all of the time. I never feel like I'm good enough in anything I do, or any way that I am. I'm not pretty enough, smart enough, happy enough. Someone else always does everything better than me (even if I know that that's not really true logically).

On to the positives! I'm kind. I'm generally hopeful and optimistic. Recently, I've overcome a lot, and I have learned to be a better person. I'm resilient. I'm tougher than I generally give myself credit for. I'm caring. I'm observant. I have the best of intentions.

Never ever good enough

I do need to write my Day 30 post at some point, but I'm just not in the right frame of mind to do it right now. Tonight after work, hopefully my head will be a little more clear, and I'll be able to think of positive things. But right now? Right now, I just can't.

I probably sound over-dramatic, but the last few days at work have been absolute garbage, which culminated in a bad yearly review, which means no raise (and I'm already one of the lowest-paid people in my position, despite over a decade total with the same company). I just know that I'm at a point where I have tried my hardest, where I have made great strides, where I have pushed myself and done things that I never thought I could accomplish.

For nothing. For "it's not good enough." For "better luck next time."

My arguments against it seemed to fall on deaf ears, but I am supposed to have a follow-up conversation about it today.

Overwhelming thoughts of being not good enough are exploding out of my brain. I'm torn between "Yeah, I'll show you not good enough..." and "I need to show that I am amazing to make them realize they were wrong." The petty and negative side of me is coming out though, an awakened dragon wanting to set destructive fire to the world. 

I feel like I'm beyond angry. I'm hurt. I'm betrayed. I'm confused. I feel blind-sided, and having been in a managerial role, I know that you are never supposed to be blind-siding someone in an evaluation. People should walk in knowing what to expect, being able to gauge how they've been doing, knowing what to expect. I expect feedback. I expect imperfection. I expect honesty. I don't expect to be told that nothing I do is good enough, that the impact wasn't enough, that the metrics I've hit, and the progress I've made just aren't enough.

It's hard to feel good in your personal life when what you strive so hard for isn't enough.

I feel like I've taken fifty steps backwards, to my lost, anxiety-ridden self of last summer. I feel like a shell of the person I was becoming.

My logical brain knows that this is just a hiccup. My logical brain knows that things will be okay. Unfortunately, my logical brain isn't the one talking much this morning. My emotional brain is racing... and I just want it to stop.

31 Days of Self Love - Day 29

What words or beliefs do you (want to) live your life by? There are so many... I try on a daily (a little less now that I'm spending my mornings blogging, to be fair) to find a quote image to share on Facebook that shows how I'm feeling that day, or how I want to push through the day. There are so many different facets of my life and my personality that my quotes seem to vary quite a bit, and my reasons for them are all-over-the-place.

Perhaps I'll just do this in list form...

• "No matter how tough times might be, remember: no storm can last forever. Better days are coming your way."
• "There is always something to be thankful for."
• "I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." - Marilyn Monroe
• "It does not do well to dwell on dreams and forget to live." - JK Rowling
• "At the end of the day, we can endure much more than we think we can." - Frida Kahlo
• "Stars can't shine without darkness."
• "We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty." - Maya Angelou
• "Your desire to change must by greater than your desire to stay the same."

31 Days of Self Love - Day 28

Who are your role models and what qualities do you share with them? This isn't something that I've even thought about since I was a teenager, perhaps. Back then, my answer would have been fairly shallow. Back then, I'm sure I would have mentioned a singer that I was particularly into, and found some reason why she was worth trying to be like.

Now? I'd be crazy not to say that my mother is my role model.

My mother passed away a few weeks shy of my seventeenth birthday. Being a teenager, I guess I was fairly selfish. I mean, I was this nerdy homebody of a kid who rarely went anywhere (and even then, my idea of going somewhere as a teen was heading out to a movie with a friend who was cool enough to be driving already). I spent a good bit of time with my mother in her last few months, just hanging out with her in her room watching TV, or doing my homework in her room. But the thing is, and I didn't realize until it was too late, but I wasn't really spending any quality time. It wasn't until I was a bit older that there were so many questions I should ask, so many conversations that adult me would never get to have with her mother - a little foresight if I ever have a daughter - so there are a lot of things that I never got to know or learn about her.

Into my adulthood, though, I am realizing that I managed to capture a bit of my mother in my life. She was kind, and generous, and I guess I never really thought about it as a kid, but she was regularly doing nice things for people - just because it was what you were supposed to do. I grew up not realizing that it wasn't normal to be the way she was, the way she seemed to put everyone else first. I find now that I do things like she would, and am always proud of myself when I catch myself doing something that I know she would have.

I'm usually the first one to offer to help someone, I'm the one making sure everyone has something to open on Christmas, I'm the one who stops to help when someone is on the side of the road with a blown-out tire. I feel like this tends to bother some people that I'm with, but I ignore them. I'm supposed to leave the world a little bit of a better place, because my mother proved that you can.

31 Days of Self Love - Day 27

What's on choice you can make right now that your future self will thank you for? I need to make the choice - and act on it - to take better care of myself. Of course, that means so many things. I need to take the time to get healthier (Thrive, the gym, and long Springtime walks will help push me further along in that aspect). I need to continue to learn to speak up when something just isn't okay, or when I need something. I'm getting better at this - and know to tell people when I just need some me time. I guess that I never really thought that I was allowed to do that before. But now - and continuing in the future - I know how important it is to voice my needs.

I need to work on not bottling things up. Too many times in the past, I have let myself get to a point where the things that bother me sort of come to a head, and I absolutely explode, instead of dealing with small things easily along the way.

I know that my future self will be so much better off if I allow myself to voice my issues and concerns, and to take care of myself along the way. It's amazing how much different I started to feel this past fall when I started to really take care of myself. My body and mind both started to feel better - I never know that I could feel like that. I never knew that I could feel strong, and powerful, and like I was a force to be reckoned with. I love how I feel when I'm at my best now, and I know that my future self is going to thank myself for continuing to push through.

31 Days of Self Love - Day 26

It's Day twenty-six, and twenty-six just happens to be my favorite number. Of course, today's question ends up being a fairly difficult one, totally messing with my favorite number mojo...

What parts of yourself are you ashamed of? What does your shadow self look like? Confession: I had to do a little bit of googling to try to understand this shadow self bit - and even then, it doesn't seem right. If it's something to do with my unconscious mind that my conscious mind doesn't know about, I guess that wouldn't really be something I could talk about, right? How would I know it, if it's in my unconscious? Am I thinking too much into this? Instead of talking much about that, I am going to talk about some things I don't particularly like about myself, and a bit of the shame aspect.

I still harbor hard and shameful feelings after being raped, but that was eleven years ago. Despite having dated and had arguably normal relationships in that time that has passed, there's still a part of me that hates myself for what happened. Yes, I know it's not my fault. Yes, I know that I am the victim in that whole ordeal. But the whole thing broke me more than I generally admit, and there are still times that pushing through that is difficult - the anniversary gets to me every single year.

I'm ashamed of my depression and my anxiety. It's hard to know that there's something wrong, and it's right there, and that the way you are feeling isn't normal, and that there's no logical reason sometimes for it. Sometimes, lying in bed all day has been the only way I know how to just survive, even though I can't usually vocalize why. I'm ashamed of my anxiety attacks that lead to me crying and not being able to stop - and people looking at me like I'm crazy (maybe I am, sometimes) - for just shaking and crying and not being able to stop.

I'm usually ashamed of the way I look - despite having lost a bunch of weight. I'm horribly self-conscious, still, and feel shameful - especially when someone points out what I'm eating. To be fair, I'm not really sure why anyone thinks it's their business what I'm eating or if I'm cheating from healthy eating, or even if I'm completely back-sliding. People feel the need to make comments, though, and it causes shame.

I guess there aren't a ton of things that I actually feel ashamed of. Things I don't like about myself? Sure! There are a lot! But that isn't exactly the same as shame.

Step One: Open your Mind

I originally wrote this as a Facebook status, intending for it only to be a short paragraph or two. As you can see, I got a little bit carried away. I felt like sharing it here would be helpful as I work on looking for things to talk about after my 31 Days of Self Love is over. I try to stay away from controversy, hot-button topics, and politics on my Facebook (and in general, if I'm honest). I actually posted a comment - that wasn't even politically charged yesterday - on a status that someone else posted, and found today that the entire post was deleted (easier than arguing with me, I guess?). But, this post has been a long time coming...

I think the world would be such a better place if people had the courage to admit that they DON'T have all of the answers. I love that people have opinions, and I love that they feel that they can express them without fear. What I do not love is that no one seems to be even the slightest bit flexible. Perhaps social media just magnifies this all, and it makes it harder for me to ignore. Perhaps it was always like this, and I just didn't see it.

I'm not Republican or Democrat; I'm not conservative or liberal; I'm not for guns or against them. I believe that there's a God, but I'm not even really sure what that means in terms of my everyday life. I don't know what will happen when I die, because I've never died. I don't know all of the answers.

I can't tell you what to believe, because I don't know every ounce of your truth. I don't know your education, your home life, your religious upbringing, your cultural background. I don't know if your life has been all sunshine and roses, or if you come from a history of abuse or hardships. I don't know if God was in your home or if you grew up never knowing His name. And the thing is - none of you know my entire truth either.

The fact that we are all so quick to be so absolute in our convictions that we don't waiver at all terrifies me. I have friends who I know are gun-toting rednecks (by their own description), and I have friends who march in rallies to fight for stricter gun control. I have friends who are in church every Sunday morning, and I have friends who will post scientific evidence to try to prove that there is no God at all. I have friends who support Trump, and I have friends counting down the days until the next election to try to vote him out. I have friends who have had abortions, and I have friends who march for its abolition. I have friends who are vegan and vegetarian because it's the right choice for them, and friends who love a good steak. I have friends who think pineapple doesn't belong on pizza, and friends who love a good pineapple pizza.


Do you know why I have friends from all walks of life? Because I am open-minded. I hear their sides. I listen to their words. I try to see things from their side. I listen to understand - not to wait for my turn to try to prove them wrong. I'm not asking anyone to change their opinions, but I am asking them to open up their minds to at least TRY to understand why someone else might have a different view.

Just because you don't agree with someone doesn't mean they're WRONG. And just because you feel strongly, that doesn't mean you're RIGHT.

31 Days of Self Love - Day 25

What things are you really really good at? I feel like it's not so much a bunch of things that I'm good at - I mean, I can't play sports, I'm certainly no artist, my singing voice is subpar - but there's things I'm good at that aren't regularly rated.

I'm good at caring about other people. It's actually sort of weird, because I'm awful at giving advice, but I'm good at just being there for people, recognizing when someone is having a bad day, or finding some silly little way to cheer them up.

I'm good at gift-giving. I tend to be really observant about the kinds of things that people are into, and I give out gifts accordingly. I'm not really one who can give a gift just because I feel the need to give someone a gift (and it might sound selfish, but I take it really personally when someone gives me a gift that they put zero thought into. I don't need anything expensive, but if you feel like you know me enough to give me a gift, at least show that you know me. Otherwise, why are you even giving me a gift?).

I'm good at writing and expressing my feelings in writing. I feel like I sound fairly stupid when speaking to me, but I manage to come across well if I have a moment to sit down and write things out.

I'm good at seeing things from someone else's point of view. This tends to work especially well for me when friends are venting about a disagreement with another friend or family member. I'm generally able to look at things from a neutral standpoint, and point out how I think the other person may be feeling, even if they've not expressed it. I have a friend who's dealing with some pretty tough family issues, and I was able to listen to her side, and then point out how I think the other person might be feeling, but never taking a side (because I don't feel that it's my place to take a side in a situation that has nothing to do with me).

I'm good at admitting when I'm wrong or admitting if I just don't have the answer. There are so many debates that I see people getting into (social media is so great for that, especially) where you can tell that both sides stand firm in their convictions, but neither one has a true grasp of why they feel the way they are fighting about. I have seen friendships end over the nonsense of people not being able to at least say "I feel this way, but I understand why you feel that way," or "this is the way it is, even though I have exactly zero bits of evidence to back it up..." I'm the first one to admit that I don't have all of the answers, and I'm really okay with that.

Mostly, I think I'm good at evolving. Whether it's because I am presented with new information and am able to shift my way of thinking, or I move and have to start over and learn a new place and new group of people. I'm good at sort of rolling with the punches in those regards.

31 Days of Self Love - Day 24

I can't believe I'm in the home stretch now! Only one week of these prompts left, and then I'll be writing a lot more loosely, and about a lot more random stuff (which is totally my usual style, so that's fun).

What's something you wish someone would say to you? In this case, it's not that I want just anyone to say this - it's that I'm looking for it from one particular person, but don't feel like I will ever get it.

I want to feel like this person is proud of me - really, genuinely, honestly proud of me. I want them to tell me that they're proud that I've made it mostly on my own for so long. I want them to acknowledge the fact that they've helped others a lot more than they've helped me, and that when I was practically begging for help, and they didn't help me, that they should have.

I'm not trying to imply that I never received a helping hand along the way - because I have. But I've also had to fight pretty hard to get to a place of peace where I am now, while other people in the situation have been able to sit back and be given handouts. I don't want or need the handouts - I just sort of want the acknowledgment that there's been an unfair distribution of help and support. 

31 Days of Self Love - Day 23

What does your support system look like? How can you make it stronger? Why does this one hit me so hard? I feel like I'm not even sure what my support system looks like. I mean, my friends at work keep me from going crazy most of the time (I mean, I usually go crazy anyway, and they're just there kind of egging on my craziness, and telling me why my craziness is valid at any given point). My boyfriend offers help and support when I really need it. And I do have a handful of friends who are there when I need them - but by text or call or Facebook message. It really is tough to realize that your core group of friends are all between 3 and 5 hours driving distance away from you. Really tough.

A lot of times, I actually feel like I have to deal with everything on my own. There's not really anyone around who understands the whole big picture of my anxiety, my depression, and that little bit of crazy in there. No one has been around long enough to remember who I was before all of this. No one has been around long enough to remember the pre-broken version of me, or what I was like before it felt like all of the pieces had fallen apart and been strewn about.

I guess what bothers me is that the people I think should be my biggest supporters are hardly even there for me. It's taken me a long time to try to deal with that - and I guess from the way I'm walking about it, I never really dealt with it, since it still bothers me. I find myself often jealous of people who have these big, loving, supportive groups around them, while I sit here never sure who to turn to when I really need someone. I'm not going to lie - it's tough. I realize, though, that I need to just sort of suck it up and get over it. It takes the credit away from those who really are there for me. It takes away from those few people who do stick around when the going gets tough. Those who have stuck around really are amazing...

Product Review - Go Pet Club cat condo

I've been looking for a long time - since before Christmas, I believe - for a nice, sturdy, fairly large cat condo/tree for the cats. Of course, pre-Christmas, it was just Harlow and Stella, and they ended up getting a really small one from Santa Claus. With the addition of three more kitties (I'm crazy, am I right?!) in the last couple of months, I knew we had to upgrade soon!

I'd been reading reviews on Amazon for a while, going back and forth about what I thought would be best. Plus, I knew I didn't necessarily want something in the living room, but since I was creating a nice little sanctuary space for myself in one of the spare rooms, I could throw a cat condo in there with me.

Once I started getting my room/office/sanctuary set up how I liked it, I finally settled on this enormous beast of a product. Reviews were good, plus I had gotten a 10% off coupon offer emailed to me - score!

It took close to a week to arrive, but did arrive on the day that Amazon had promised it would. It only took the boyfriend and I about thirty minutes to assemble - to be fair, he and I are both pretty versed in assembling flat-pack furniture from places like Wal-Mart and IKEA, and I've put together a cat condo before for my last crew of cats. It's surprisingly well put together for what I paid, and I'm impressed with how roomy the condo parts are for our average-sized cats. I actually was able to get both orange boys into one condo, and they both fit.

The product is a beast. The top pole makes it expand up to 106 inches tall. We were able to adjust it to have it against the ceiling in a spot that was ideal for our needs. You could theoretically leave that top post off - you'd just need an extra bolt for that part of the top of the condo. Structurally, this thing is nice and sound. I was afraid we'd have to end up doing some maneuvering to anchor it to the wall, but once it was together, I realized that wouldn't be an issue at all (the only time I could foresee it not being sturdy enough is if someone was using it for several large cats - my five are all of average size, so this is ideal for us - and could fit bigger cats - but if you had three fifteen pound cats scaling this thing all day long, you might want to look into some anchoring options, perhaps.

As soon as it was assembled, the cats were interested. Stella immediately picked out her spot in the lowest condo, and the boys went and claimed some higher spots. Harlow hasn't been as interested that I've seen - though once I brought her into the room and showed her, she hung out on the condo for a while - and Gabby pretty much hides all of the time, so asking her opinion at this point wouldn't really be fair.

When I bought it, the condo was $89.99, minus the 10% coupon they offered me, and for me and my crew, it was worth every penny! Plenty of room for all five of my little fluffy loves to hang out, snooze and play - without having to be right on top of one another. We're giving it a ranking of five paws up!

The only complaint I have is that the dogs are jealous that the cats got such a cool new toy, and they're wondering where their fun new toy is.

Check it out here on Amazon: Go Pet Club Huge Cat Tree.

31 Days of Self Love - Day 22

What things make you feel bad, but you find yourself doing them anyway? I was originally going to say "going to work..." as kind of a joke, but I realized that since my anxiety calmed down, that isn't even true.

It's going to sound crazy, but "having a lazy day." The old me was full of lazy days, which inevitably would make my depression worse. The less I do, the less I feel good about myself or my life, the more anxious I would become, and the more depressed I would get. The difference is, the old me didn't know how to snap out of it. Now, when I tell myself that I deserve a day to hang out, be lazy, do nothing, I find myself completely regretting it by about noon. The truth is, the harder I push myself, the better I feel about myself. Now, that doesn't mean I need to push myself to run all over the place and change the world - but I do genuinely feel better when I accomplish something during the day these days. I spent my Saturday off this past weekend cleaning the house. I scrubbed toilets, swept and mopped floors, vacuumed, did so many loads of laundry - and I felt amazing. I felt so good, in fact, that when the boyfriend got home at night, I was ready to keep going and get more accomplished. Can we clean this? Can you help me move this? I would have happily gone into the basement and rearranged clutter. I would have pulled all of the cardboard from the burn pile and shoveled a path outside to the burn pile - I had that much energy, just because I didn't rest during the day. Yesterday? I napped. And I felt like a pile of garbage by the time evening rolled around. 

It's funny - sometimes I feel like I deserve a rest, but they only serve to make me feel worse. Perhaps I just need a rest from the outside world - from people, from other peoples' problems, from trying to save the world. Perhaps my rest days just need to involve cleaning the house, never sitting down, and making my home a better place.

31 Days of Self Love - Day 21

What's something you're working on believe that you deserve? Wow, these questions are getting deep -at least to the girl who's never really thought she deserved much of anything...

Really, I guess that's just it - I'm working on believing that I deserve anything. I've never thought I was good enough for good things to happen to me. Now, don't get me wrong - my life hasn't been this horrible mess or anything. It's been fairly normal I guess, with a generous sprinkling of really hard times thrown in for good measure - my mom dying when I was sixteen, being raped (and subsequently losing a lot of friends, who just didn't understand - and neither did I - how to deal with who I had become afterwards), having to live in a hotel for a while (because people aren't as kind as they pretend to be, if I'm being entirely honest). I've dealt with evictions, job loss, being at my breaking point and not knowing how to not fall completely apart. I've dealt with depression and anxiety, and spent days on end curled on my couch, barely surviving, wondering if I should just put myself out of my misery. To be fair, in hindsight a lot of my problems were mental - and had I realized that in my twenties, and learned how to cope with depression, things probably would have been so much better for me.

So now, I'm here in my mid-thirties, in a home that I love - and don't live in fear of losing - with pets that make my life happy and hectic and wonderful, and a boyfriend who is probably a lot more kind and forgiving to me than I deserve. I have a job that I actually look forward to going to (despite it being with the same company that screwed me over before). I have friends at work who make the days so much more fun, and friends who've been around for a while who mostly live at a distance, who I don't get to see nearly as much as I'd like, but they're genuine and they're real and they're wonderful. And I really sit here wondering how I got so lucky, and why I deserve to have so much good in my life. I sit here waiting for the other shoe to drop, for something bad to happen, for someone to swoop in and take it all away. I'm working on believing that I deserve these things - or at the very least, that I'm worthy of having these things.

31 Days of Self Love - Day 20

How can you give yourself a break today? Between a day of work that is generally fairly physical (nothing crazy - just a good bit of lifting, and constantly being on the move from one end of the store to the other) and hopefully a trip to the gym for some much-needed treadmill time, I have no real intention of taking it easy physically today. I've gotten better, though, and don't push myself as hard as I once did (a pulled back is not a fun time, if you wondered).

Mentally, though? This. This is my break. Taking time to sit down, write out my thoughts, work on pages of the blog, think of ideas for what I want to do once my thirty-one days of self love prompts draw to a close. It might not sound like a break, but this is my sweet escape. This is my quiet time, my way to just spend time with myself with no distractions (aside right now from the sound of two of the kittens play-chasing each other up and down the hallway outside of my room). My Spotify playlist is quietly playing as I type - Shooter Jennings' "4th of July" making my crave a road trip and hours of music and scenery. This is my sweet mental break.

31 Days of Self Love - Day 19

How are you making the world a better place? Well, way to put me on the spot, 31 day challenge!

I really think I'm making the world a slightly better person by being compassionate - to both people and animals - who have nothing and no one. More than once, I've opened up my home to friends who just needed a chance to try to get their lives figured out while saving money. I try to do things for people that I wish had been done for me when I was at my lowest. I know what it's like to have nowhere to go, to have to sleep in a seedy motel for a few weeks, to not be sure if I was going to be able to eat that night. I've been there, and I hate to think that anyone else that I know should ever be in a situation, especially when I'm at a point that I'm okay.

My biggest impact on my small piece of the world will probably be the way I have rescued and cared for feline leukemia positive cats. I have rescued a total of ten at this point, and it's something that I'm really proud of, and sometimes I don't think that I give myself credit. It isn't until my boyfriend smiles and tells me what a big heart I have as I cry over the ones I couldn't save, and as I tend to my eternally-sick Stella right now (two to three times a day of having to medicate her, clean her face, shave the mats from her fur that are caused by her not being able to properly groom). I have such a huge place in my heart for animals that are in need - the voiceless and the sick. My impact will be small on this world, but for the cats I've saved, I'm hoping that it will be enough.

31 Days of Self Love - Day 18

You know, I never actually look at these questions until I am ready to sit down and type them out. In hindsight, I probably should have written them out on paper, taken notes before I sat in front of the computer, maybe acted halfway organized.

But I think anyone who knows me knows that that isn't my style. Wing it. That's me. Always winging it. I wake up early, take my Thrive (aka my lifesaving magical potion) and settle down at the computer, fairly excited to see what new things this exercise will push me to think about. I'm actually kind of glad that I wing it... it works for me. With that...

What's one change you can make to increase your happiness? It's funny - I've already worked on so many of these things, without anticipating that I would ever sit down and try to write about improving my life. Now, I'm not saying that my life is perfect - it's far from it - but the last several months, I've really been working on me, my happiness, and becoming a better person.

Going forward, I'd like to work on voicing concerns and issues I have, rather than bottling them up so much. I always spend so much time trying to make sure that everyone else is happy and comfortable (not a bad attribute, I'd say), that I let things build up and bother me a lot. Then, when I do finally let them out, it's like an emotional explosion, and everyone is so confused about where it came from. Last summer, I had anxiety/panic attacks on a regular basis. I hadn't yet figured out how to master my anxiety (it still gets the better of me more often than I care to admit), and on a weekly basis, I'd be in full panic mode - usually complete with tears and screaming, and occasionally I'd just completely shut down for a bit. The newer me has worked through a lot of that, but I hope to do so even more.

31 Days of Self Love - Day 17

When was the last time you indulged yourself and how? It's funny - this question really depends on what they mean by "indulged yourself." I don't often do pampering type things for myself, which is kind of how I read this first... so I'll take it just to mean the last time I did something for myself to make me happy...

About two weeks ago, I saw someone had posted an ad on a local Facebook yard sale group selling off her enormous collection of yarn. I treated myself to one hundred skeins of yarn (at a dollar a piece, it really was a steal!).

The thing is, in the last year especially I've become the type of person who questions nearly everything before I commit to making a purchase (I mean, to the point that I went back and forth for ten minutes over spending six dollars on a Funko Pop I really wanted). I've moved so much in the past, and tried to sell things off, or given them away, or worse - just thrown things away that were perfectly good, because they weren't worth enough to justify renting a moving truck to move them. I can't justify buying a lot of silly things or trinkets - even if I want them. I even have my boyfriend analyzing whether he really wants things at this point (to the point that I feel bad, and try to encourage him to treat himself, even if it's something silly, if he really wants it and he's at a point that his bills are caught up and such). So, for me to buy a ton of yarn (oh, the projects I have in my mind!) without putting a ton of thought into it (okay, I thought about it for like thirty minutes) was a huge deal.

Next thing I plan to do to indulge myself? Why, a vacation of course. My "vacations" are generally planned around Thom & Coley shows, and with them deciding to go off the road for a while, I feel like it's especially important that I knock out another show this year before that happens... I somehow can't justify spending $50 for a local concert where I'll have nosebleed seats... but dropping $700 between gas, hotels, tickets? One hundred percent justifiable for them. Hoping to hit their Panama City, Florida show at the end of April. Why? Because TREAT YO'SELF.

31 Days of Self Love - Day 16

What is the most loving thing you've ever done for yourself? It's crazy that this feels almost selfish, but the most loving thing I've ever done for myself was to start actually putting myself first.

Now, I really still am one of the most giving, helpful people I know. If someone is down on their luck, I am the first one there to help them out, with food or money or a place to crash for a while. And really, I think I'll always be that person. But I also got to a point where I realized that all I was doing was things that would benefit others, and nothing that would benefit me. I was tired, I was broken. I realized after a very long time that you can't pour from an empty cup.

It's sort of ironic, I think, that the person who made me really see the need for self-care was a person who's also been through a lot, and who also seemed pretty broken. A friend had gone through some serious mental health stuff, and was pretty bad off (thankfully she seems so much better these days, but I know it's still a constant struggle for her), and I knew that it was going to get to that point for me if I didn't take a deep breath, back off, and take some time for myself. Truly, taking care of me was the most loving thing I could ever do for myself.

31 Days of Self Love - Day 15

I'm a day late posting this one. I've had a lot on my mind this week, so I allowed myself a day away from writing these. 

What are you afraid to ask for? What do you need to speak up about? I feel like most of the things that I don't stand up for myself about involve family. I'm forever afraid of stepping on someone's toes, or of making someone I'm related to in some degree angry or upset with me. The thing is - I don't even avoid these conflicts because of myself. I'm at a point that I'd be fine if people decided they wanted nothing to do with me if I spoke up about things - but I keep my mouth shut because I don't want to upset the family members that do matter more to me. And despite her being gone for more than half of my lifetime, I never want to do anything when it comes to family, that would make my mother upset with me. She always seemed to keep the peace, and I feel like that's meant to be my role. It's not that these things that I feel like speaking up about happen frequently... it's just that once in a while, head-about-to-explode-from-the-ridiculousness feeling.

31 Days of Self Love - Day 14

What would your younger self be proud of you for today? I think this is actually a pretty tough one, because I'm certainly not where younger me had planned on being in my life at this point. I pictured marriage, a few kids, and owning a home somewhere other than where I grew up.

My life didn't turn out like younger me had thought it would - not at all.

But I'd hope that younger me would be proud of how hard I've fought to get where I am. She should be proud that despite a lot of hiccups in the road, I not only made it through, but came out stronger on the other end. She'd be proud of the animals I've had a hand in rescuing. She'd be proud that despite still needing help sometimes, I've become quite independent. She'd be proud of how much I've gotten to travel, and how much I've traveled on my own, just because I felt the need to see places. She'd be proud that I've been brave enough to live in other places, with no family or friends in the area. She'd be proud of the take-no-shit attitude that's emerged as I've gotten older.

It's funny - I think quite a bit about how I haven't accomplished the things I planned by the time I was this age... but I've accomplished other things, and I've worked hard to get here.

31 Days of Self Love - Day 13

Take a selfie. Just as you are. Find one thing to love about it. I sat down this morning when I first woke up, and planned on doing this. But, I woke up feeling fairly miserable, and tired, and defeated, so I allowed myself to call out of work and went back to bed. I'm feeling mostly better now - and am fairly certain I'm okay - it's just a lack of proper nutrition as of late, and a lack of really taking care of my body these last few weeks.

But now I'm up, and finally got a shower, and finally took a selfie for today. No makeup, hair still a wet curly mess from the shower, but here it is.

I love my eyes, and how blue they are - I love that they look like my mother's eyes. I love the crazy curl that my hair has after a shower - I kind of wish it would look like that when it's had time to dry. I love that I can see the struggle I've gone through to get to this point when I look at a photograph of myself. I love that random little mole on my chest - I feel like it somehow gives me a bit of unique character. I love that I'm brave enough to share a selfie like this - the old me never would have been able to do this.

31 Days of Self Love - Day 12

What things make you feel happy to be alive? At one point in my life, I just plain didn't feel happy to be alive. My mindset and my attitude have changed tremendously fairly recently, and I find reasons to be happy everywhere.

My biggest source of happiness is my pets. I truthfully love them more than any people I know - which I think might bother some of the people I know. Knowing that I get to come home to my four-legged-babies who love me unconditionally is such a sweet blessing.

My boyfriend makes me happy to be alive. We're so much alike, but also balance out each other's flaws somehow. He calms down my crazy sometimes, and I calm down his crazy sometimes. He somehow manages to keep my from completely losing it much of the time, and bringing me back down to reality when I'm just really not okay.

Being able to travel makes me feel happy to be alive. Even if it isn't far, even if it's just to the next town over to see something, the fact that I have the opportunity and the means to go somewhere - anywhere - is a great source of happiness for me. Last year, I started making it a point to get out and see things in my area. Once the weather clears up, I'll be back at it. Hiking trails, scenic overlooks, historic sites - I want to take them all in.

I really went from being a girl who was ready to not even be alive anymore, to a girl who somehow finds positive in almost every situation. Some days, there is still a struggle - and some days that struggle is huge - but it gets better every day.

31 Days of Self Love - Day 11

How would you describe yourself, in a loving way, to a stranger? This might actually be one of the easiest prompts I've had to write thus far (despite having incredibly low self-confidence about most things).

She's kind. She'll make sure everyone else is taken care of before she worries about herself. She loves animals and would save them all if time and finances would allow. She's able to see both sides of a situation in almost any case, and help others to see the opposing point of view. When she cares about you, she'll go out of her way to look out for you, to take care of you, to make sure you know how loved you are. She's observant and thoughtful, and manages to be a great gift-giver because of these things. Her heart is her best attribute.

31 Days of Self Love - Day 10

How can you set better boundaries in your life? I feel like this is also something I have made great strides in these last few years. I used to jump at the drop of a hat to go and try to help other people with things. I would put myself last, to the point that it became detrimental to my mental and physical health. I no longer push myself to be on the go constantly, tending to other peoples' needs.

My biggest thing I probably need to work on - as ridiculous as it sounds - is setting boundaries with the pet rescue people I've gotten to know. It's hard when people know how big your heart is, and how much you want to help - they take full advantage of that. I've already had to tell multiple people to not even think of me if another cat needs a home. Adopting special needs cats has somehow become a full-time job (and an ever-growing expense). I've recently dealt with a group of people who were not remotely honest about the status of a cat they needed a home for. "Friendly" and "healthy" are definitely not words that I personally would use to describe her. I'm working hard on telling people like this "no," and doing what's best for me, my personal welfare, and the health and welfare of the pets who are already in my home. It's been hard to set boundaries with these people when they come to you telling you that they'll have a cat euthanized if you won't take it. Quit tugging at my heart strings, and find someone else, please.

I also need to work on setting boundaries at work. I'm somehow one of the suckers who'll always get easily roped in to staying late, to helping somewhere else in the building, to answering calls that no one else feels like answering. It's hard when you're nice, and genuinely don't mind helping others, or doing other things at work - but it gets tiring when you're there, doing what needs to be done well past your shift, while others are skating out a few minutes early, with no regard to the greater good of the building. It's becoming increasingly harder to care when others clearly don't. I feel like it needs to become increasingly easier for me to say "no, I can't stay" in some sort of respectful manner. Sorry, work, but you hardly make it worth my time or my effort.

31 Days of Self Love - Day 9

What's something in your life that you need to get rid of? Here's another thing that I've been working on for a few years already at this point! I need to continue to get rid of negativity, and people who bring more negativity into my life.

It's taken me a long time to realize that some people just don't deserve to be in my life. They don't deserve me reaching out, they don't deserve my compassion or my respect, or my well-wishes. It's sad when you realize that some people care about no one but themselves - especially when you have made every effort you can to be a part of their lives.

People who do nothing but bring more stress, anger, and sadness into my life - things that I already deal with more than my fair share internally due to depression that sometimes hits like a truck - I just need to phase out.

I'm far from saying that everyone has to be a positive ray of sunshine all of the time. I'm far from saying that I'm even a positive ray of sunshine all of the time. But there comes a point that if you can't see a single bit of good in your life, I just can't help you anymore. It's not that I don't want to - it's that I physically can't let myself be broken down at the expense of someone else. It's taken me over thirty years to get to a point where I feel this way, where I need to push away from people who don't deserve all that I have to offer, but I need to be in this mindset - for my own peace of mind, and perhaps to make these people notice that no one is going to stick around if they're constantly a sour soul.

31 Days of Self Love - Day 8

What is a compliment that you have trouble accepting about yourself? This series of questions must have known that I have more than one answer for this, if it's sending me the same question a few days later, huh?

It kind of goes along with what I talked about the other day - my appearance. Lately, I've lost a fairly significant amount of weight (about eighty pounds total). Sixty of those pounds have been in the last eleven months, since I moved back to my home area, got a position at work that was much more physical than my previous one, and started a program called Thrive (which has 100% changed my life and been a blessing!). Now, I get a good number of compliments from people about how much weight I've lost, and how good I look (I am still very overweight, but am wearing a size 20 - or 18 depending on the fit - in pants, whereas I was a 24-26 before this). I don't know why I find it so hard to accept people telling me this.

Sometimes, I look in the mirror, and I see the progress. I can physically see the difference in my face, my stomach, my legs. Other times, I look in the mirror, and I still see the girl who was eighty pounds heavier than I am now. I'm sure that this goes along with my depression, my anxiety, and the fact that for a few years I had an eating disorder - that admittedly still, despite how much better my life is right now, likes to rear her ugly head and come around.

I wish that I could step outside of my body, my mind, my insecurities, and see me as the person that other people see me as. I've recently had a setback, and haven't been taking my Thrive (which in addition to helping me manage my weight, helps improve my mood, energy, and just my overall well-being). I couldn't afford it this past month, so I've only been taking one of the three steps, and boy can I feel it! I'm tired, I'm achy, I'm eating everything in sight. I know I haven't completely backtracked and gone back to where I was before, but I sure do feel like its sometimes. It just makes it even hard to accept it when someone says something kind about how much better I'm looking.

I need to find a way to believe people, to believe there's not some ulterior motive, to believe that people are being kind because they're actually kind, and because I actually HAVE made progress.

31 Days of Self Love - Day 7

Name a think you love about your body and your personality. If you had asked me a year ago to name something I love about my body, I would have automatically said my eyes. They're blue and they sparkle, and I get a good number of compliments on them. As a default, for years, I've simply answered that my eyes were my favorite. But, the thing is, I don't think my eyes are really my favorite. I think my eyes are everyone else's favorite. It actually wasn't until I was just faced with this question - and really thought about it - that I realize that my answer is something entirely different. I realize that my favorite thing about my body is how strong it is. Until late last summer, I never would have considered myself strong. Sure, I could lift heavy things, but I attributed that to being a big girl and having a lot of weight behind me. It wasn't until I started working in a different position at work that required to lift heavy things fairly regularly that I realized that I could be strong. I then started walking in the fall, and going anywhere from three to ten miles in a shot (generally averaging walks that were six or seven miles) a couple of days a week that I really realized I was strong. I've come to realize that my body can handle a lot more than I ever gave it credit for. My body can adapt to changes. My body can walk up hills, and through wooded paths. My body can stock fifty-pound bags of dog food without faltering. My body is tough, and I've never thought so until I pushed it further than I thought it could go.

My favorite thing about my personality is probably that I'm kind. I always say that I need to stop letting people walk all over me, or that I need to put myself first in more situations (I'm better than I used to be about that), but I kind of love my kindness. People who don't know me well never seem to suspect that I'm a good person. I'm crass and have a big mouth and say what's on my mind a little too often. But at the end of the day, I'm the one who makes sure my friends have food to eat. I'm the one who remembers dates and checks in on friends when I know they'll need it. I'm the one always looking for ways to help others. I'm the one who's opened up my home to let people stay with me who had nowhere else to go. I may have a loud mouth, and I may drop the F-bomb on a fairly constant basis, but don't let that confuse you - I am still the one who'll make sure you're okay.