29 July 2011

so stupid

I made the biggest mistake ever yesterday, when I decided to drive down to visit the ex boyfriend. A few hours and a kiss later, I was calling the current love interest, while sitting in my car in the ex's driveway, making the dogs suffer along with me. Small talk, until I realized that he was sharing the car with his co-worker. Crap. His phone died, which led me to send a ridiculously long text message, telling him about just how stupid I was, and how I hoped he could forgive me, and about how I would love to drive out to see him (about forty-five minutes from where I was), and how I was falling in love with him

Yeah. While telling him I had cheated (though I guess it is not really cheating, since we never agreed that we are exactly a couple), I mentioned that I was falling in love. Oh, the multitude of dumb moments, eh?

He called me a bit later, left an angry-sounding voicemail, but in the end said that I needed to come to him, and in a text he said that he would come get me if I needed him to. Our conversation when I arrived was awkward and full of apologies on my part (when will I ever learn that the ex is the absolute worst person for me to spend time with?! WHEN WILL I LEARN?!), and an agreement that we needed to start over (thank God), I pray that we are good.

I was a little reassured when he told me to come sit with him while we watched a movie (I was sitting at the other end of the couch, trying to give him the space that I figured he needed), and he had his arm around me. I was thrilled when it was time for bed and he told me to come in the bedroom to sleep with him, rather than snoozing on the couch, which I figured I was fated for. I don't deserve his kindness, or his forgiveness. But I certainly do hope for it. 

It was just a kiss, but honestly, if I found out that he kissed his ex, my heart would shatter. Please don't let me have screwed this thing up.

We've only known each other just under two months, but have spent the equivalent of about two weeks together, and he absolutely has my heart. Whatever decision he makes at this point is going to be monumental right now. If he tells me that he can't forgive me, my heart will break. If he tells me it will all be okay, I will be overjoyed.

Oh, please let it be the latter.


  1. I am currently in a similar situation ...im going into the third month with my fella...once you just swallow pride and decide to take the fall...its awesome. I wish you the best

  2. By the sounds of it, he seems to be handling everything alright so far? My advise would be not to let this become a defining moment & think thats in the past now. If you hold onto it then the tension will show & it will be bad for your relationship. Trust me, i've been there!

    I love the honesty in your writing.

  3. Thanks girls. Sooo hoping this is just in the past, and over, and that he can look past it and realize I am not some bad person. I honestly only went to hang out with my ex as friend. I didn't want anything else to happen. In fact, I spent most of the time we were hanging out together talking about this new guy (which I am sure drove him nuts).

    I think that my biggest problem in this and any other relationships is my lack of communication skills. I can write you a letter (or a text - so classy) telling you exactly what's in my heart. And I can do it quite well. But an actual conversation? Oy, no good at that.