17 June, 2018

Signs

Today, I asked my Facebook friends to pray or send out positive vibes into the universe, in an attempt to help me find my direction in life. I believe in signs - I have seen too many things not to, to be frank - and I got one as clear as day this evening. You know it's a sign when it literally says "this is your sign." It doesn't get much clearer than that...

Working on accomplishing some dreams... here goes nothing!

16 June, 2018

What's been going on

In case it wasn't evident, I have opted to cut my "thirty day writing challenge" short. I found that I wasn't writing anything substantial with it, but it did get me up and writing every day. I just need to find the motivation to continue to do that now, without strange writing prompts.

My last few days at home have consisted of trying to get all of the cats to get along. I finally decided it was time to end the quarantine with the two youngest, and just kind of hope for the best. Some growling and hissing has been going on since, but everyone is starting to come around. The two little ones still head to my room at night, and climb into bed with me and the boyfriend and the dogs. Most of the others don't seem to realized that sleeping with us is an option - they tried so hard to sneak in the bedroom when we would leave the door closed, and now that it is open all of the time, they are far less interested.

On the work front, the new position is fun, but tiring. Things haven't really kicked off much yet, but it's gearing up to be a busy summer! I walked over twenty-five thousand steps the other day, when I was alone in my position, and was exhausted by the time I came home. I need to get myself eating right again, and I am willing to bet that the pounds will just be falling off over the summer - I just need to convince myself that donuts are not delicious, and start eating more fruit instead.

This coming week may consist of a quick there-and-back-in-one-day trip to New Jersey to visit one of my best friends. The thing is - when someone needs help, you just figure out how to make it happen. I am going to bring cleaning supplies, and help her deep-clean her house. I am attempting to enlist another friend to come help us, but if not - we got this! I have been there... I have been so deep in the throes of depression that I cant even brush my hair, and end up with a matted mess at the end of the week. And the worse you get, the worse you feel about yourself, and you just get worse and worse and worse until you feel yourself spiraling out of control, unable to save yourself. I have been there so many times... and if I can help someone else fix it? I will help them, dammit! 

14 June, 2018

Things I love, volume 2

I had a lot of awesome feedback on my first "Things I Love" post, and I am super excited to share my second installment with all of you!

What am I loving this week?! The Nevertheless Portrait Project by Annie Govekar!

Let me first start by saying that I have known Annie for quite a while. We met online years ago (over a decade, but I can't remember if it was 2003 or 2005-ish. Either way, a long time ago) due to our common love for both country music and Broadway musicals, and probably some nerdy stuff as well. Annie is a super-talented artist, and has been as long as I have known her. I actually commissioned a Thom & Coley piece a couple of years ago, and look at it on a daily basis. I love Annie's work so much!

Moving on to this awesome project! Over a year ago, Annie decided to start doing daily portraits of awesome, badass women, along with quotes. I don't think she realized how huge it would become, and how much all of us following her daily portraits would fall in love and beg for copies of certain prints, or push her to create a book. Over a year later, and this awesome lady managed to find 365 badass women to feature, and listened to all of our pleas for a book. There are politicians, artists, educators, actresses. So many amazing women are featured in this amazing book!

The Nevertheless Portrait Project features a lot of badass women who are very famous - and so many that I admittedly had never heard of. There is something in here for everyone. Words of inspiration from women who have done amazing things, and women who are continuing to do amazing things.

I snagged a few portraits from Annie's Facebook page to give you previews of portraits in the book. Check the book out, order a copy, share it with friends.

Why I Love it? No matter what your political affiliations may be, or how you feel about a lot of hot-button topics, there is something in here for everyone. I love the idea of this book as a gift for my teenage nieces, and for all of the awesome women in my life. The artwork is amazing, and I am always a fan of supporting artists! Also, a portion of the proceeds goes to the Joyful Heart Foundation - to help victims of sexual and domestic abuse! This is something that I can always get behind!





12 June, 2018

depression

I have gone back and forth about what to write, and how to write it for a few days, but I need to say something, so I will just let myself go on about it for a while.

Suicide. 

There, I said it. Recent headlines of celebrities who seemingly had it all are shaking everyone's fragile little worlds - because if she couldn't be happy with billions of dollars, and he couldn't be happy with fame and seemingly having an amazing life, then how is there hope for the rest of us?

But the thing is, I find so much of it hypocritical. In one breath, they mourn for these lives lost (though it seems only because they're famous, and not necessarily what it means for their loved ones left behind who don't care that mommy was famous or rich - they care that she was mommy). In their last breath, though, they were telling someone who has actual depression to just smile. Just be happy. Count your blessings. Hey, it could be worse, right?

Our society somehow minimalizes depression, sweeps it under the rug, and then acts shocked when someone just can't take it anymore and ends it all. We treat each other like actual garbage, and then we wonder why someone broke.

A dear friend of mine whose depression keeps me worried most of the time, made the comment that she is no stronger than anyone who has killed themselves. It is through luck that she is still here, still standing, still breathing. It is luck that keeps her going - that keeps so many of us going - and not some imaginary force of strength, or of being better than anyone, or of somehow having better coping mechanisms or a more supportive or loving system of friends and family around us. It is merely luck. 

We hang on every day by a thread, that is mostly worn, and is mostly comprised of luck.

I am fairly vocal about my depression, about my bad days, about my hopelessness... and even through some of the things that I have gone through or talked about, I mostly have people somehow expecting me to just shake it off. Better days are coming, after all... the sun will come out tomorrow... it's all in your head... but I cam tell you - when you are in the belly of that beast, you don't see the sun, the better days, the hopeful things ahead. You see only depression, and waves of sadness, and your hopelessness washing over you.

And still they tell you it will be better, things will look up, you have so many things to be happy about.

And when you got to a point that you could no longer take it, they will mourn, they will act surprised, they will wonder how it got to this when you were so happy all of the time. It was such a shame, she was such a good person, she had so much to offer.

And yet they still somehow missed the screams, the cries for help, the way you slept the days away, and cried in the night.

But you should have just shaken it off, right?

11 June, 2018

30 Day Writing Challenge - Day 20

Concerts that I have attended...

I used to actually keep a list on my LiveJournal, a million years ago or so... I actually tried to log on to my LiveJournal account to go and find it, with no luck (I did however find other entries about things that made me shake my head - like ones about the guy I was dating when I last was on LiveJournal, and I never updated that, but he ended up being nuts... and one with conversations with a guy who I used to have the biggest crush on, like six years ago). Now that I have had a 3AM trip down memory lane, I will just list some of my concert moments...

Emerson Drive. I saw them a lot... somewhere around eighty times.

Little Big Town... I also saw them a lot... probably only in the thirty show range, though.

Thom Shepherd (a ton on his own) and Coley McCabe (probably half a dozen times since it's been the two of them touring together.

Most other people I have seen have just been a show or two here or there... I have seen just about anyone I have ever wanted to see... except for Garth Brooks and Shania Twain. I think I have literally seen just about any other country artists between 2000-2008 or so (and I am pretty awful because I have no idea who most people on the radio currently even are).