Movin on up

Well, I got my promotion, and am loving it - except that one of the people under me was fired on my second or third day, which means I have been doing more of his job than my own. It's a little bit annoying, but once I get some decent people under me, my life is going to be so much easier.


Thinking about getting a new apartment, a little closer to work - but still far enough away from work that I won't run into co-workers wherever I go. I found the cutest little apartment, for the same amount I pay now. The place is a little smaller, but it's in a nicer town, has a washer-dryer hookup in the apartment, and the place actually has character. It's adorable, really. I love it. I will need a co-signer, but it will be so worth it. Really really want it.


Hopefully just one more year in Jersey and then I will be ready to go for a big promotion and get the heck out. :D

interviews and loves lost

My interview was postponed. Twice. I finally had it today, and am supposed to find out tomorrow if I get the position. I am not holding my breath - not expecting to actually know tomorrow, and not really expecting to get it. I have this weird feeling in the pit of my stomach, that all of my hard work has been for absolutely nothing. We will see.

In other news... I really need to stop talking to the ex-boyfriend that I never got over. Six years, and it still breaks my heart to know that I can never have him again (unless the girlfriend he's been with ever since we broke up dumps him... and he calls me and tells me how much he misses being with me). The other day I did something random and funny that really made him laugh (I found out today that he was laughing about it later when he gave the funny message I asked him to give a girl he works with the message I had for her. He thinks I'm funny. *sighs*). And thinking about that makes me stupid and happy and giddy. I made him laugh. So what? But it was one of those laughs where his eyes twinkled and I remembered exactly what made me love him for so long.

And you know, my heart snapped a little more, just thinking about him, and how the night I told him that we were through was probably the worst night of my life. If only life had do-overs.

I just have to keep reminding myself that if he and I hadn't broken up, so many other wonderful (and terrible - but necessary) things never would have fallen into place. And well, if I didn't have all of those crappy relationships in the meantime, I never would have appreciated what I had with him as much as I do at this very moment. Kind of a catch 22... I realize now that he was my perfect match. When it's too late. I never would have known it, had I not left him and struggled along all of these years. But I learned it too late. I honestly don't think I will ever in my life meet a man who makes me feel like he has. Ever. He was everything. He was perfection. And seeing him every day? Yeah. My heart breaks...

Interview tomorrow. Ahhhh!

Tomorrow, I have an interview at work for the position that I have wanted ever since the position was introduced to the company about four years ago - front end zone supervisor. For the first time in my life, I am completely confident in myself, in my answers, in my abilities. I can't speak for anyone else though, or what they might bring to the table. The people who I see as no threat, might be packing a ton of experience that I know nothing about.

My store manager and assistant manager know that if I don't get this position, I am going to have to leave the store. I hope that this doesn't affect their decision. I don't want this position out of pity, out of not wanting to lose a halfway decent associate. I want this position because I know my stuff, because I have a good brain inside this big old head of mine, because I have become phenomenal with customers (I had three compliments from customers today alone - not sure if any of them went to management, but they all made sure to tell me how good I was. And it made me feel good). I want it because the cashiers have come to me and told me that they think I deserve it, that they hope I get it, that they know I would do a good job. I want it because while it took me a long time to come back around to being proud of where I work, I AM proud - NO ONE cares more about that front-end than I do. They have been so many nights that I have stayed late just to get on register, or gone out of my way to make sure the cashiers were taken care of (when really, it was never my problem to worry about in the first place).

But mostly, I want it because I want to stay. I am not ready to leave Jersey yet. I'm just... not. I feel like I have so much unfinished business. I just can't walk away yet.

Fingers crossed. Prayers said. Happy thoughts sent into the universe.

fingers crossed

Well, my pregnancy symptoms were a false alarm. At first, I was upset. Now, I am relieved. BEYOND relieved.


And... my dream position is available at my store. I am applying for it (a nice promotion and raise) after being encouraged by several co-workers and friends to just go for it - including encouragement from the one person in the world whose opinion I value the most. Funny how when this happened, I realized I wanted to stay.


That being said - if I don't get the promotion, I can't afford to stay in Jersey, and I will leave. But my gosh. Suddenly I can see all I want and need in this world in front of me. Fingers are crossed, toes are crossed, prayers are going up constantly. God is so tired of hearing from me so much this last month or so I am sure. I am sure he is wondering where my head is, because my thoughts and prayers are all over the place.

Stupid google.

I really wish I wouldn't have random off-the-wall pregnancy symptoms from time to time. Really annoying. Especially when they make me get my hopes up, only to find out that "hey, no, you aren't pregnant! False alarm!" I googled my random symptom to figure out what the heck was wrong with me. "What does it mean if this is wrong with me?" Every single result revolved around being pregnant. And I thought "Okay, that's fine. But it's not possible because I wouldn't have this symptom this early on..." And then I read some of the pages about it, that said "Oh, so that was the first symptom to show up, and it showed up about two days after conception." Yeah. Not cool, google. Not cool.


Not that being pregnant would be at all of a good idea right now (it would be a bad idea, actually. A really, really bad idea. It's just... not time. Though a dear friend told me that she thinks I will be pregnant in the next eighteen months. Hmm). Though if I was? Yeah, that would be pretty awesome. And I guess that extra bedroom in the house I am trying to get would come in handy for a little munchkin.


I would like to point out that I have had a dozen or so false alarms. Late periods, random weird symptoms. And it (obviously) has never come to be. I am fairly certain I can't get pregnant, lol, so I'm sure this is nothing. I just want to punch google in the face. You know. If it was a person.


In other news... watching "Friends" is my new random pastime. I bought the first two seasons, and have gone through them in about a week. I love love love Monica and Richard together. It makes me really sad that they didn't work out. Damn him for not wanting a baby. And damn older men for being so damn attractive but never wanting babies. Muah ha ha.

I'm gonna miss this...

After spending the weekend in Maryland, I am even more certain now that that is where I am meant to be. We looked at a house that is adorable, and I am praying that it is still available (it was definitely empty when we went by). Driving back in to New Jersey, I felt like this may be one of the last times I do so (at least as a resident of the state). Part of me is over-the-moon excited about it, the other part of me is a little sad.


Leaving New Jersey will, without a doubt, be one of the hardest things I will ever do. I thought that leaving Tennessee was difficult, but this is going to tug at my heart even more. I think the difference is that when I left Tennessee, I did it out of a bit of anger and upset and frustration; I am leaving New Jersey out of happiness and hope and excitement. And I am leaving behind the best friends I have ever known in my life. I know I have said this a lot in my life, that the friends I have had at any given point have been the best possible friends a girl could hope to have. This time? I know without a doubt that it is true. These are the friends that I will keep in touch with, that I will come back to visit, that I will make an effort for. These are the friends that I will regret leaving from time to time, but that I know will be happy for me.


Just crossing my fingers now for the job I want (I am 99% sure that I will get into the store in some way. Just hoping that it is in a position that I can be thrilled with), and for the house that I already love.

Random weigh-in

Today's weight: 325 pounds.
Which means I am down 8.8 pounds since May 9th.
And 21.6 pounds since my heaviest weight last summer.
It doesn't seem like all that much since I have SO MUCH (125 pounds) left to lose. But, my dog Champ weighs right around 23 pounds. So, in theory, I have lost almost a Champ. THAT, to me, is huge. And in just this week, I've lost about a Kenzie, I think. I forget what her weight was. Madden is seven and a half pounds, so I have lost MORE than a Madden. Pretty excited!

oh, NOW you can talk to me?

First, a photo, because everyone on facebook has been "liking" it, and I think I look quite pretty in it...

I imagine I would look quite good if I actually had my eyebrows waxed, and tossed a spot of makeup on, and ran a brush through my hair. But all of that being said, I love how I look here. And it is really nice to finally be at a point in my life where I don't despise everything about my physical being.

Second... I don't recall how much I talked about it on here if at all (and don't feel like going through all of my old blog posts to see, so I might bore you with the same information again), but: In March, I had an enormous crush on this guy. And when I say enormous crush, I mean, ENORMOUS crush. Like, biggest crush I have ever had on anyone ever in my life. Ever. The two boyfriends who I actually loved don't count as crushes, because I liked them for a brief time before we started dating and whatnot. So, I had this huge crush, and eventually mustered up the guts to sort of ask this guy out, via a really cute note, inspired by something that he said. Long story short, he told a friend of mine to ask me to back off because he has a fiancee (you can't see me right now, but I am ROLLING MY EYES). So, I did. Haven't said much at all to him since Easter when this happened, except things I needed to say to him for work, or "hi."

So fast-forward to yesterday. I stopped to ask him a question about something work-related and my potential transfer out of the store. And we just talked for probably a good fifteen minutes or so. Later on, he really came over and talked to me and one of my besties for a ridiculously long amount of time. It was as if the last month never happened, as if I never awkwardly asked him out, as if he was never freaked out by the fact that I was pushing too hard.

I guess all I had to do to get him to talk to me again was to tell him that I am leaving. What a shame.

Some things to look forward to

I made a few minor decisions today:


If/when I get my work transfer and leave New Jersey, on my last day of work I am going to tell a few people a few things: I am going to tell one person that they are rude and ignorant, and the fact that they tell me I have an attitude is absolutely laughable considering what a rotten bitch they act like. And I am going to tell another person that I had the biggest crush on them that I have ever had on anyone in my entire life. And that he knew he could have had me if he wanted me, but that he missed out. And that I hope he is happy with the life he chose (I am going to even try to sound sincere on that last bit).


And when I lose the weight that I want to lose, I am going to do a few things: I am going to get a tattoo on my hip, because I think that is such a cute, sexy spot to get a tattoo, but it is something that I would never ever do being so overweight. And then, since I intend to live far away by then, I am going to come back to New Jersey, looking all pretty, and go to the aforementioned guy and flirt so hard that his jaw hits the ground. And I will remind him that he could have had me before.


Note: The guy who I am going to do this to has never made any comment that I am unattractive or fat or anything. In fact, he apparently digs fat girls, and he has told people that he finds me attractive apparently. But still. I want to look stunning when I come back. Absolutely stunning. And sort of rub it in his face. In a totally polite and professional way, of course. Of course. ;)

Embarking on a weight-loss journey

I am on day four of trying to lose weight (didn't I try this last summer? Oh yeah. I think I did. And stopped after a week, when the then-boyfriend continued to tell me I was fat and unattractive, and I quit caring enough how I looked. Should have dumped his ass right then and there, and kept with the diet instead of keeping with him. But, I digress). According to some weight loss calculator I found online, to maintain my body weight I should be eating around 2788 calories/day. So, to lose about two pounds a week, I should cut it down to 1788 calories/day. Perfect. That is COMPLETELY do-able (I've been around 1000-1200 the last two days, and am not nearly as hungry as I thought I would be).


Last year, I weighed in at 346.6 pounds.
When I stepped on the scale three days ago, I weighed 333.8 pounds.
Today, I am at 328.4 pounds.


I would like to point out that I am just about six feet tall. And I wear a size 24 in pants, and about a size 20 in tops (damn small boobs, but fat arms. Hoping I don't lose anything in my boobs. Ugh. They're tiny enough already, haha). I am told that I carry my weight well, and no one believes me when I tell them how much I weigh. *shrugs* I know I weigh a lot, but I don't think I look like I weigh quite THAT much. I really don't know though. I am a horrible judge of it.


My first little goal is to get down to 300 pounds. Hopefully that will happen by the end of the summer. One big goal is to get to 246.6 (100 pounds from the heaviest that I was). Ultimate goal is to get down to 200 pounds, and hopefully fit into a size fourteen pants. For comparison, I have a friend who is a few inches shorter than me who weighs 180, and wears a size fourteen. I would LOVE to be her size. According to all of these stupid websites, I am supposed to weigh even less than that. Apparantly ideal for my height is somewhere between 150-180. Anyone who has seen me knows that that would look absolutely ridiculous on me.


I need to think of little incentives for myself, for losing the weight that I want to lose. Not sure how one rewards themself for a  job well-done. Maybe I will let my next tattoo be my big reward, as I sort of want it to be on my hip, and I refuse to do that to myself while I am still fat. Hell, my two-hundred-pound reward should be my tattoo and a new puppy. Yes? Yes.


I am going to try my hardest to keep posting my progress on here. If you're wondering how I'm doing it, I am basically counting calories and making smarter food choices. So far each day I have had a lean cuisine meal for lunch and/or dinner, and things like a peanut butter and banana sandwich for a meal (making sure to only use the amount of peanut butter than makes a serving, and using whole wheat bread). I'm eating fruit. Snacks are a serving of pretzels, or a fruit cup, or applesauce and cottage cheese. I know it's only been a few days, but it's actually been a lot easier than I anticipated. Also, I am drinking a lot of water. I mean, a LOT of water. Making sure I have AT LEAST half a gallon of water each day. Yesterday I had more like a gallon. I had to pee a lot, but I think it was worth it. I haven't had soda since December 31st (well, no, that is a lie. I used to drink soda CONSTANTLY. I mean, I could drink a two liter of mountain dew back then, in a day. No joke. From December 31 until one day last week, I didn't have a sip of soda. Last week, I let myself have a Mr. Pibb, because I NEVER see Mr. Pibb anywhere up here. I drank it. It was good. But I realized that I didn't remember what all of the hype was up. I may treat myself once a month or so to a soda, but other than that, no. No more).


Can't believe I have lost five pounds in just a few days. I REALLY need to keep it up, and not get discouraged when the numbers on the scale stop changing for a while. Plateaus will come. I need to work through them and keep it up. So tired of being that fat girl.