22 August 2011

The last five weeks, in a neat little bundle

I realized that there are many things that I never actually came out and talked about on this blog. And so... here goes.

First off, in case people didn't realize: I lost my job. It was stupid, and entirely my fault (I said something that I shouldn't have. My mouth gets me in trouble, a lot). But I do think that losing my job was a blessing. I was miserable. For the last year or so, I begged to be moved into a different position, and was always denied it. While losing a job is terrible, and figuring out how you are going to survive without a paycheck is ridiculous... I feel at peace, I feel happy, I feel optimistic.

Some time after losing the job, I realized that I do not want to stay in New Jersey after this semester. I will almost be finished with school after this semester, and will be ready to transfer off to a four-year-college somewhere. When things were going well, I thought I would give up, stay here, and transfer to a local school. Now? Not so much. I am applying to four schools. In four different states. I will post more details about that later (perhaps after I go check them out. Perhaps after I get accepted. We shall see). I am excited, thrilled about starting over, and, well, I finally feel like I have made decisions ON MY OWN. With nobody else's input. And it feels great.

And, I never did mention... Rick and I did not end up working out. Telling him the truth about the day I saw my ex ended up backfiring in my face. But the thing is - I'd rather be truthful and alone (despite the fact that everyone tells me that I am an idiot for telling him) than live in a lie, or a hidden truth. I guess most people don't understand what I mean when I say that I am honest. I put it all out there. Even if it hurts. Besides, we wouldn't have worked out anyway, for some other reasons, things that were bothering me before that whole incident happened anyway. But, I let it end. And I let it be my fault. And I am really fine with that.

Before I realized that Rick and I would not be together, I found myself trying to make plans based on him. Should I stay in Jersey? Move to Delaware or Maryland? I couldn't possibly leave him to move somewhere far away. But now... oh, now... I get to follow MY dreams, my heart, my soul. And I get to be true to my gypsy self. Goodness, this was a good thing.

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