30 October 2011

everyone should have a friend like this...

I just have to brag a little bit, because I have come to realize that I have come to a point in my life where I have the absolute best friends ever.

My friend Beth is pregnant. Six and a half months along, with a little boy, who I have affectionately nicknamed "babyhead," as Beth and her boyfriend are not revealing *ahem* babyhead's name until he arrives. Fair enough. Babyhead, it is. She also has an amazing three-year-old little boy, who is hilarious and goofy, and is one of the first kids to actually like me (let me clarify: he doesn't like me like I see some kids warm up to some adults. But when I stop by the house, or he seems me out somewhere, his little eyes get huge and he says "HI MISS SIDNY!" and it absolutely melts my heart. This is the most a kid has ever liked me, in my whole life. Usually they just look at me funny. Hmmph).

When Beth found out she was pregnant, she wasn't thrilled. She wanted her baby, and knew she would keep him or her, and she would figure out how to make things work. But she is young, and life is hard, and another baby - who wasn't exactly planned - didn't really have room in the life she was working toward. But she always loved him, and I assured her that things would be okay, and that I would help in any way I could, whether that meant babysitting, or helping with the three-year-old, or bringing chocolate when she had a bad day.

The first time we spent time together after her finding out that she was pregnant, she made me cry. I had known for probably a week, and had probably cried a time or two over her amazing luck, and my... lack of luck. And in the car on the way to lunch, she said that it wasn't fair. She told me that she felt guilty that she already had a son, and now she had a baby on the way, and I (and another person that she is close to, whose identity I won't reveal for privacy reasons) have wanted a baby so badly and have been unable to conceive. She felt guilty that it had been so simple for her to get pregnant, while others prayed each month that this would be the time, only to have the test reveal one pink like instead of two.

(I would like to take this time to say that while I have never actively been trying to conceive, I haven't been doing anything to prevent it when I have been dating someone, and despite knowing that being unmarried and in relationships that realistically might not work out, might not be the appropriate circumstances to bring a kid into, I wanted a baby. More than anything in the whole world. And I cursed my irregular periods for playing tricks on me, and being two weeks late, making me hope that this would be the time. While the timing never would have been great, what if it never is? What if this is as good as it gets? What if I waited and waited and waited to have kids, waiting for some perfect moment, and it never came? I have also decided that the whole "having sex" thing is not working out for me. Frankly, it hurts TOO MUCH to wonder every month if this is the month. So, I'll make it easy for myself: this is NOT the month).

And so Beth told me that she hated that people like me wanted this so badly, and that she was blessed not once, but twice.

And frankly, that was probably when I realized that I would be able to cope through her pregnancy. I know it sounds selfish of me to talk about ME during HER pregnancy, but this is hard - really damn hard. But realizing that I have this friend, who pregnancy came so easily for, who can look at me and tell me she's sorry, and not rub in my face how lucky she is, has made me feel really good.

I make it a point now to ask her how she is feeling. If I am having a particularly hard day, worrying about life and if I am ever going to have kids, I don't ask her. Sometimes, I don't even text her one day because I am feeling particularly low. The last time I took a pregnancy test and it (as I figured it would) revealed that I was, in fact, not pregnant, I didn't text or call her to tell her. I waited until the next day, when I had come to terms with things, and got back on track with asking her how she was.

Truth be told, I am INCREDIBLY excited for her. I can't wait to meet her baby, and to hold him, and to spoil him, and to watch him grow. I love this girl as though she was my sister, and will love this baby as though he were my nephew. But truth be told, I might cry the first time I see him, and it might not all be tears of joy. But the best thing about our friendship? She KNOWS all of this. She KNOWS how I feel. I have been able to be SO honest, from the very beginning, about how I feel. It has never been hurtful, or mean, or anything that I think could possibly hurt her feelings - because my sadness shouldn't hurt someone else's joy. But I have been straightforward. I have told her that I am jealous, that I wish it was my turn. And she gets that, and is so sensitive to that. She tends to wait for me to bring up the baby subject before talking much about it, because she knows to wait and see if I am okay talking about it. She has never made me feel bad for the times that I am sad, or the times that I tell her I envy her. And I appreciate that. A lot.

One day I hope that it will be my turn. Like I said, I have never been actively trying to conceive, or timing things, and I really do need to go to a doctor (you know, if I had insurance) and see if there is anything wrong. I do believe in God, and that everything happens for a reason, and am still carrying this little glimmer of hope that one day, I will be rocking a baby in my arms, and realize that the reason I didn't conceive these past two and a half years was that I was meant to be a mother to that very specific baby, and that things would not have worked out that way had I had a child now. I hope that I will look into her eyes and know that she was worth the wait and the tears, and the years of wishing and hoping. But I am also trying to brace myself - just in case. And I mean, at the very least, there is probably a baby out there somewhere (not yet) who is going to need a home, and I will be able to adopt. Only time will tell. But for now? I am just incredibly grateful to have a friend who is there for me through the tears, and who is amazing enough to let me share the joy of her baby-to-be, at a pace and distance that is comfortable for me.

Best friend, I love you. A lot. And I kinda sorta maybe love Babyhead. <3

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