Pushing

I have managed to waste the majority of my vacation, just puttering around the house, and occasionally venturing into town for a bit of Pokémon Go. Other than attending a Paint Night the other night, and a Tricky Tray Fundraiser yesterday afternoon, my vacation has been dull. It has rained or snowed - yes, it flurried today - every single day thus far, and I find myself still in an odd state of winter blues. I want to be outside, to commune with nature, to get back to how I was feeling in the fall when I was losing weight and feeling amazing about myself... and yet, I find it hard to even leave the house most days, and I am further reminded that my state of mind is largely out of my hands, which only further makes me sad. I thought I had this wicked beast beat, and yet it lurks, ready to steal my joy.

All of that said, I am in much better condition that I was last summer, and much better condition than I was countless times before that as well. But I find myself sad and hopeless on a regular basis, with no real reason. It's just me. It's just who I am.

I have tried for so long to convince myself that there was some magical cure out there, but there isn't. There is just coping. There is just learning to make the best of the good days, and learning to handle the bad days better than I used to. I need to push myself to make more days good, even when my demons come out to play. I need to push myself to be the best possible version of myself, and not to let myself be constantly weighted down.

I'm too good for this. I have to keep pushing...