Re-routed dreams

I've been thinking a lot lately about how my life didn't turn out remotely like I planned, and about things I did along the way to accidentally sabotage its direction. Don't get me wrong - I'm happy. I have bad days, and those bad days come after me like a hungry shark, trying to devour me and drag me to the bottom of the sea. There are days where the best I can do is get out of bed, but that admittedly is not because of any life choices in particular, but because depression is, for lack of a better word, a bitch.

I never imagined that I would be working in retail well into my thirties, and I certainly never imagined that I would be unmarried and childless at this age. Goals have sort of shifted along the way, but I often wonder what I could have become if I had pushed myself.

I always did well in school without even trying. Unfortunately, that became a bit of a curse. By the time I got to college, I had never opened a book to study. When college rolled around, and was harder than I was used to, I had no concept of how to study. Of course, college was when I also started dealing especially hard with depression. What had manifested itself as an eating disorder in high school and the years I took off before going to college was now a can't-get-out-of-bed problem, so I missed classes, had no social life, and was pretty much wasting my life. I never got my momentum back in my early-to-mid twenties, and just sort of settled for the retail job because I didn't know how to actually do anything worthwhile.

Fast forward thirteen years or so, and here I am, still working the retail job. Of course, I make more money now (almost double, but it's still not a lot, to be fair), and despite changing positions in that retail job, it's still the same old thing. It's become my comfort zone, despite so many uncomfortable happenings in the last thirteen years. It's all I know. I don't know how to go anywhere else and be successful because my anxiety keeps me from trying. I make enough money to live, but not enough to get ahead. Going back to school is no longer an option because I just can't afford it. It's frustrating being where I am financially - I make too much money to get any assistance, but not enough money to actually afford to go back to school or to better myself. A second job might be an option, but then  I will be working my life away and not really getting to enjoy it - and is that the kind of life that I want? I like, especially with my current schedule, that I am home in the evenings, and that I have a semblance of normalcy as far as days off and hours go.

And to be honest, I'm not even entirely sure what I would want to do if I could afford to go back to school. The job that I really want doesn't really pay any more than I make now (but it would require at least a two years schooling program), so it's not as if it would somehow magically better my financial situation, nor would the hours be any better or different than the ones I currently work. It would be rewarding, though, and I try to tell myself that that's what matters. There is nothing to indicate that it would improve my life in any way, though, and maybe that's something that I really need to think about.

I wish that teenage me had had the guts to really explore options, to learn to apply herself, to find her passion and stick to it. But then, I guess I wouldn't be where I am, surrounded by people who really seem to get me - and having met so many wonderful people along the way.

Maybe hopes and dreams are meant to get lost along the way to lead you to something that you never realized you wanted, or show you that you are good at something you never realized you could be good at.