11 April 2011

Dear God...

Everyday when I read Team 15%, I really struggle with questions that I have no answers to. Why in the world would a nineteen year old girl be diagnosed with cancer? That in itself is horrible enough, but a second kind of cancer? And now a third? She is twenty-three years old now, has three kinds of cancer, has flat-lined on a few occasions only to be brought back. I just don't understand. I realize that it's not for me to understand, and that I really need to stop being so self-centered, and thinking that I have any right to know what this is all about, or why bad things happen to good people, or whether her sole purpose has been to make the rest of us "get it."

So many people have been affected by Taylor - either directly or indirectly. But, I feel guilty for even entertaining the notion that her reason for living is to teach the rest of us how to live. What's in it for her?

I have become loads more giving than I was before. I buy lunch for strangers; I pay for peoples' coffee; I pull over to see if I can help people stranded on the side of the road. While I have always been the kind to try to help others out, it has definitely intensified in these last ten weeks. I feel like I have become a different person in some way - that who I was before was not quite evolved, but that now I am a better, happier, more giving, more valuable human being.

I wish I could somehow take some of it. I've never in my life thought that of anyone before. Was too young and stupid to wish it of my grandmother's suffering, or even of my mothers. But if I could take something from her, I would do it in a heartbeat. While I obviously would never wish to have cancer, I'd take some of hers if it meant she would survive.

How dare I think that this girl's purpose was to save the rest of our lives. Because in the end, who's going to save hers?

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