08 April 2011

How NOT to get laid

Dear stupid boy,

I know that you are of a much more stupid variety than women are, and are insensitive bastards who basically think of one thing. And ya know what? I've come to accept this fact. But here's the thing: when you are trying to get laid (which sounds horrible, by the way. Not as funny as "get plowed," but "have sex" would suffice. It really would), you really should know your audience. Now, I realize that I have a legitimate reason to think that "hey, wanna get raped?" as you shove your package in my face is not funny. But really, let's just say that it's probably not a good idea to say that to any girl. I think it would be safe to say that no girl is going to be any more likely to sleep with you if you ask her if she'd like to get raped. No girl wants to get raped, you stupid asshole. And me? Well, in case you didn't notice, I was holding back tears, and stopped flirting back at that point. Why am I am in a bad mood? Gee. I wonder. I realize you had no way to know, but really. Why would that even be something you say? I don't really give a fuck how drunk you are. It really doesn't justify saying something that vulgar.

A little bit of advice for you on things that would have worked:
- Tell me I'm pretty. Whether you believe I am or not, and whether it's true or not, it probably would have worked.
- Tell me you like my eyes, or think they're pretty, or well, anything to do with my eyes. My eyes ARE great, and I'm a sucker for guys who think so too.
- Just flirt in non-vulgar terms. It will work. No need to get nasty. Even though we both know that you were only looking for a one-night-stand, and my feelings shouldn't matter at all, women can't help but being emotional creatures. Sex means more to us (well, me at least) than just some release. If I want that, I can take care of it on my own, thank you very much.

It's funny: before that ridiculous comment, you really were standing a chance. You were cute, flirty, and at one point you play-wrestled with me to get my phone, convinced that I had nothing better to do than sit on the couch and take pictures of you. You were actually quite endearing, despite all of the not-so-great things I know about you, like the excessive drinking, the smoking, the joblessness, the cocaine habit (yeah. I said it). You were adorable, and part of it might have had to do with the alcohol you were guzzling down, and part of it might have had to do with the fact that I've thought you were cute anyway. Either way, you were adorable. Until you came back inside and asked if I'd like to get raped.

For the record, no. I would not like to get raped. I've been there. And well, it's not fun.

Absolutely no love,
Offended girl


  1. this = amazing. Boys are morons.

  2. I was told today by another guy that I have "obvious hang-ups about sex." Yeah. I could have told him that. When your first time involves being held down and crying and begging someone to stop... well, yeah, it kinda takes the fun out of it.

    Trying to get over my hangups. Sleeping with said adorable guy would have helped. Until he made me cry and all.