17 June 2011

this is my hell

I have been missing-in-action for a little while it appears. Life gets more and more miserable all of the time - and it doesn't help, I suppose, that I am genetically predisposed to depression. Money is scarce, going to work makes me miserable (those who I work with know why. And yet nothing will ever be done to remedy any of the nonsense there). On my days off, all I want to do is sleep. And so, all I do is sleep. For hours and hours on end. I sleep until my body can't sleep any more, and then I just lie around, miserable from sleeping too much, but too miserable to actually do anything about it. I think about things that I have no control over, flip out over minor setbacks, and basically wish that I was anywhere but where I am now.

I am tired of hearing that things will get better, or that people understand. No, I don't think you do. I am tired of people trying to push things on me - oh, you'll feel better if you come out with us, or have a drink, or do something crazy. For a minute, sure. But it won't change how I actually feel.

Realistically, I probably need to be medicated. But that would require money, and that would also require me getting my ass to a doctor - which is not going to happen. I can not do this on my own, but I am not ready to do it with anyone's help either. People at work ask me what's wrong, why I'm not happy anymore. SERIOUSLY? Let's think about this: you're all fine and good to joke around with, and you're all fine when you need something and I take care of it for you (work or personal related), but the minute something doesn't go your way, you're yelling at me, or working out ways to get me fired. Seriously, fuck you. And to those who pretend to be my friend only to go behind my back and say things to other people? Fuck you. Seriously. I would never, and HAVE NEVER done that to anyone. You're the lowest of the low. Fuck you.

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