30 August 2011

a letter unsent

Dearest R,
When I asked you what you wanted us to be and how you felt... that was your cue to tell me what you want us to be. That was not your cue to turn the question around on me. My opinion is irrelevant if it does not match yours - hence the reason I asked.

When I told you that I didn't know what I wanted, I was lying. I didn't mean to lie - it just sort of happened. The truth is, I know exactly what I want.

The thing is, I have two options: apply to schools far away (for no reason other than I am restless, feel the desire for change, and was pretty heartbroken when I made this decision, and wanted to not be around anyone or anything who reminded me of that), or stay here, and see where things go with the man who I am falling in love with. Either way, at some point I am going to sit and wonder what would have happened if I had made the other choice (just like I did five and a half years ago when I moved away to Tennessee, leaving behind the man that I thought I would some day marry. In hindsight, it would never have worked, though he was one of the greatest friends that I ever had).

My mind is made up. I want to stay. I want to wake up next to you in the mornings. I want to fight with you over stupid nonsense. I want to kiss your lips as often as possible. I want to fall asleep with my head on your chest. I even want to listen to your opinions on dumb ol' politics. Don't tell me not to make plans for my life based around you and what you want or need.

And now it is just a matter of finding out where you stand. If you think that we could be each others happily ever after, for keeps, all you need to do is say the word. If you don't want me, tell me now, and I will try to move on. You were right - I have a weakness for you. You said that you had one for me too. I need to know if that's enough for you.


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