Feels Like Home

Tonight would be one of those nights that I drown my sorrows in a pint of some sort of delicious ice cream. Sadly, I have no ice cream to drown my sorrows in, and sadly, my sorrows are not all that sorrowful (PS, I love you B. And I hope you find some comfort in knowing that I get it. I mean, I don't get it, because every situation is entirely different... but I get it the best I can).

I decided two days ago to give the love interest twenty-four hours or so to make contact with me (tired of being the one who always initiates conversations, whether they be by phone or by text, or by random message on the online game I convinced him to play with me). I, of course, did not tell him that he had twenty-four hours to contact me, because that would have defeated the purpose. As of now, it has been about fifty-four hours since I made this random deal with myself. Twenty-four hours to prove that he gives a damn. The last fifty-four hours say that he does not. So, what now? Move on? Wait around? Have a conversation? I have no idea where to go from here. 

Despite not being his friend on facebook (I went ahead and deleted my request that's been pending for a week. Tired of that "we can be friends when my divorce is finalized" nonsense. No. It's facebook. I don't want to be your friend anymore. Nevermind), I checked it out and noticed that he did delete his wife. Or she deleted him. Or she deleted her facebook. Basically, for some reason or other, she is no longer his facebook friend. Funny how it took me this long to realize that it doesn't even matter anymore. I mean, it does, and my heart hurts a little. But I have also realized that that feeling that I thought was me falling in love was nothing more than digging someone a little, and I think I was digging the idea of him more than him itself. Glad I figured this all out now.

Perhaps I am being a bitch for being annoyed with him, after not hearing from him in twenty-four (wait, no, fifty-four) hours. Perhaps it is normal for people to go more than a day without talking. But you know what? I don't want that. I want someone who thinks about me so much every day that they just have to call and hear my voice, or send me a text to say hi, or SOMETHING.

I am probably selfish. I probably expect way too much out of other people. But that's just who I am.

It kills me though, because I am the kind of person who just does random things for people because I feel like they need it. I wanted to do something today for a friend, but she told me she didn't want me to, so I held back (because I understand her situation, and wouldn't want someone to bug me if  wasn't in the mood). But I have randomly shown up at a friend's house with flowers because they had a bad day, or shown up with a cake on their birthday to remind them I was thinking of them. I'm the kind of person who sends random Christmas gifts to friends to make them laugh or smile. Or who calls or texts when I know someone needs a friend or a shoulder to cry on. But perhaps it is wrong of me to want the same things in return.

I want the kind of guy who knows what my favorite flower is, and randomly sends me a bouquet of them with a note. For no reason other than he knew that they would make me smile. I REALLY want the kind of guy who randomly buys me Precious Moments figurines, or Willow Tree Angels to commemorate special events we have gone through together. Let me tell you - if a guy was the kind of guy to understand that I LOVE that stuff and make my day with random surprises like that... I would make sure he was the happiest guy ever.

The best friend and I were talking about it the other night, how neither of us can seem to find decent guys, and we really are decent people. He thinks that maybe it's because it's just not the right time (and yeah, we definitely believe everything happens for a reason, but man, it's getting harder and harder to see that reason the longer this stuff goes on), and that once those right guys come along, everything is going to fall into place so perfectly, and it will all make sense. I just selfishly wish that that moment would come sooner rather than later.