04 July 2012

interviews and loves lost

My interview was postponed. Twice. I finally had it today, and am supposed to find out tomorrow if I get the position. I am not holding my breath - not expecting to actually know tomorrow, and not really expecting to get it. I have this weird feeling in the pit of my stomach, that all of my hard work has been for absolutely nothing. We will see.

In other news... I really need to stop talking to the ex-boyfriend that I never got over. Six years, and it still breaks my heart to know that I can never have him again (unless the girlfriend he's been with ever since we broke up dumps him... and he calls me and tells me how much he misses being with me). The other day I did something random and funny that really made him laugh (I found out today that he was laughing about it later when he gave the funny message I asked him to give a girl he works with the message I had for her. He thinks I'm funny. *sighs*). And thinking about that makes me stupid and happy and giddy. I made him laugh. So what? But it was one of those laughs where his eyes twinkled and I remembered exactly what made me love him for so long.

And you know, my heart snapped a little more, just thinking about him, and how the night I told him that we were through was probably the worst night of my life. If only life had do-overs.

I just have to keep reminding myself that if he and I hadn't broken up, so many other wonderful (and terrible - but necessary) things never would have fallen into place. And well, if I didn't have all of those crappy relationships in the meantime, I never would have appreciated what I had with him as much as I do at this very moment. Kind of a catch 22... I realize now that he was my perfect match. When it's too late. I never would have known it, had I not left him and struggled along all of these years. But I learned it too late. I honestly don't think I will ever in my life meet a man who makes me feel like he has. Ever. He was everything. He was perfection. And seeing him every day? Yeah. My heart breaks...

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