31 Days of Self Love - Day 21

What's something you're working on believe that you deserve? Wow, these questions are getting deep -at least to the girl who's never really thought she deserved much of anything...

Really, I guess that's just it - I'm working on believing that I deserve anything. I've never thought I was good enough for good things to happen to me. Now, don't get me wrong - my life hasn't been this horrible mess or anything. It's been fairly normal I guess, with a generous sprinkling of really hard times thrown in for good measure - my mom dying when I was sixteen, being raped (and subsequently losing a lot of friends, who just didn't understand - and neither did I - how to deal with who I had become afterwards), having to live in a hotel for a while (because people aren't as kind as they pretend to be, if I'm being entirely honest). I've dealt with evictions, job loss, being at my breaking point and not knowing how to not fall completely apart. I've dealt with depression and anxiety, and spent days on end curled on my couch, barely surviving, wondering if I should just put myself out of my misery. To be fair, in hindsight a lot of my problems were mental - and had I realized that in my twenties, and learned how to cope with depression, things probably would have been so much better for me.

So now, I'm here in my mid-thirties, in a home that I love - and don't live in fear of losing - with pets that make my life happy and hectic and wonderful, and a boyfriend who is probably a lot more kind and forgiving to me than I deserve. I have a job that I actually look forward to going to (despite it being with the same company that screwed me over before). I have friends at work who make the days so much more fun, and friends who've been around for a while who mostly live at a distance, who I don't get to see nearly as much as I'd like, but they're genuine and they're real and they're wonderful. And I really sit here wondering how I got so lucky, and why I deserve to have so much good in my life. I sit here waiting for the other shoe to drop, for something bad to happen, for someone to swoop in and take it all away. I'm working on believing that I deserve these things - or at the very least, that I'm worthy of having these things.