31 Days of Self Love - Day 26

It's Day twenty-six, and twenty-six just happens to be my favorite number. Of course, today's question ends up being a fairly difficult one, totally messing with my favorite number mojo...

What parts of yourself are you ashamed of? What does your shadow self look like? Confession: I had to do a little bit of googling to try to understand this shadow self bit - and even then, it doesn't seem right. If it's something to do with my unconscious mind that my conscious mind doesn't know about, I guess that wouldn't really be something I could talk about, right? How would I know it, if it's in my unconscious? Am I thinking too much into this? Instead of talking much about that, I am going to talk about some things I don't particularly like about myself, and a bit of the shame aspect.

I still harbor hard and shameful feelings after being raped, but that was eleven years ago. Despite having dated and had arguably normal relationships in that time that has passed, there's still a part of me that hates myself for what happened. Yes, I know it's not my fault. Yes, I know that I am the victim in that whole ordeal. But the whole thing broke me more than I generally admit, and there are still times that pushing through that is difficult - the anniversary gets to me every single year.

I'm ashamed of my depression and my anxiety. It's hard to know that there's something wrong, and it's right there, and that the way you are feeling isn't normal, and that there's no logical reason sometimes for it. Sometimes, lying in bed all day has been the only way I know how to just survive, even though I can't usually vocalize why. I'm ashamed of my anxiety attacks that lead to me crying and not being able to stop - and people looking at me like I'm crazy (maybe I am, sometimes) - for just shaking and crying and not being able to stop.

I'm usually ashamed of the way I look - despite having lost a bunch of weight. I'm horribly self-conscious, still, and feel shameful - especially when someone points out what I'm eating. To be fair, I'm not really sure why anyone thinks it's their business what I'm eating or if I'm cheating from healthy eating, or even if I'm completely back-sliding. People feel the need to make comments, though, and it causes shame.

I guess there aren't a ton of things that I actually feel ashamed of. Things I don't like about myself? Sure! There are a lot! But that isn't exactly the same as shame.