Never ever good enough

I do need to write my Day 30 post at some point, but I'm just not in the right frame of mind to do it right now. Tonight after work, hopefully my head will be a little more clear, and I'll be able to think of positive things. But right now? Right now, I just can't.

I probably sound over-dramatic, but the last few days at work have been absolute garbage, which culminated in a bad yearly review, which means no raise (and I'm already one of the lowest-paid people in my position, despite over a decade total with the same company). I just know that I'm at a point where I have tried my hardest, where I have made great strides, where I have pushed myself and done things that I never thought I could accomplish.

For nothing. For "it's not good enough." For "better luck next time."

My arguments against it seemed to fall on deaf ears, but I am supposed to have a follow-up conversation about it today.

Overwhelming thoughts of being not good enough are exploding out of my brain. I'm torn between "Yeah, I'll show you not good enough..." and "I need to show that I am amazing to make them realize they were wrong." The petty and negative side of me is coming out though, an awakened dragon wanting to set destructive fire to the world. 

I feel like I'm beyond angry. I'm hurt. I'm betrayed. I'm confused. I feel blind-sided, and having been in a managerial role, I know that you are never supposed to be blind-siding someone in an evaluation. People should walk in knowing what to expect, being able to gauge how they've been doing, knowing what to expect. I expect feedback. I expect imperfection. I expect honesty. I don't expect to be told that nothing I do is good enough, that the impact wasn't enough, that the metrics I've hit, and the progress I've made just aren't enough.

It's hard to feel good in your personal life when what you strive so hard for isn't enough.

I feel like I've taken fifty steps backwards, to my lost, anxiety-ridden self of last summer. I feel like a shell of the person I was becoming.

My logical brain knows that this is just a hiccup. My logical brain knows that things will be okay. Unfortunately, my logical brain isn't the one talking much this morning. My emotional brain is racing... and I just want it to stop.