Two weeks in to eating better again, and my clothes are starting to fit better. I think it's about time to start shopping for a bathing suit for the summer, but I have no idea what I want, and I kind of hate shopping in general, but clothes shopping is the absolute worst. I feel like being overweight my entire life has made me a little bit terrified of dressing rooms, of clothing stores, of trying to look good. I have let myself become fairly frumpy as of late, because I really haven't seen the point in doing anything to sort of doll myself up.
I own one pair of jeans that fit... a few plain t-shirts that fit well... a few slightly nicer shirts that are kind of too big at this point... one pair of pants that I can wear for work, that I just wash every other day or so... and several work shirts, most of which are too short, so I just wear the two or three that are long enough to cover my mid-section, and wash them constantly.
I don't want to spend money on clothes that won't last me particularly long anyway. I don't really go anywhere, other than out walking, or to work. My social life is basically non-existent - the extent of my really going out somewhere is meeting my brother and his friend for dinner twice a month or so, at a casual bar. I don't need new clothes, right? I don't need anything other than my bare minimum clothing, especially just what I need for work.
I own one pair of jeans that fit... a few plain t-shirts that fit well... a few slightly nicer shirts that are kind of too big at this point... one pair of pants that I can wear for work, that I just wash every other day or so... and several work shirts, most of which are too short, so I just wear the two or three that are long enough to cover my mid-section, and wash them constantly.
I don't want to spend money on clothes that won't last me particularly long anyway. I don't really go anywhere, other than out walking, or to work. My social life is basically non-existent - the extent of my really going out somewhere is meeting my brother and his friend for dinner twice a month or so, at a casual bar. I don't need new clothes, right? I don't need anything other than my bare minimum clothing, especially just what I need for work.
I keep using the excuse that I'm losing weight, and buying clothes would be really silly, when I'm not going to be wearing them for long. But really, I think I am just far more self-conscious than I care to admit, and bothered by my body, and frustrated with the way clothes fit. I've come so far from where I was two years ago, but when I look in the mirror, I still usually see that even-bigger girl, and it makes me sad, and angry, and makes me feel like giving up.
Maybe one day my brain will catch up to my body. I know that realistically I have lost a bunch of weight, dropped at least two pant sizes, and look better than I did. But my emotional side just can't see it, and hates the way I am, and is terrified to buy clothes, or attempt to be cute, for fear of looking the same as I used to.
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