Pushing

I have managed to waste the majority of my vacation, just puttering around the house, and occasionally venturing into town for a bit of Pokémon Go. Other than attending a Paint Night the other night, and a Tricky Tray Fundraiser yesterday afternoon, my vacation has been dull. It has rained or snowed - yes, it flurried today - every single day thus far, and I find myself still in an odd state of winter blues. I want to be outside, to commune with nature, to get back to how I was feeling in the fall when I was losing weight and feeling amazing about myself... and yet, I find it hard to even leave the house most days, and I am further reminded that my state of mind is largely out of my hands, which only further makes me sad. I thought I had this wicked beast beat, and yet it lurks, ready to steal my joy.

All of that said, I am in much better condition that I was last summer, and much better condition than I was countless times before that as well. But I find myself sad and hopeless on a regular basis, with no real reason. It's just me. It's just who I am.

I have tried for so long to convince myself that there was some magical cure out there, but there isn't. There is just coping. There is just learning to make the best of the good days, and learning to handle the bad days better than I used to. I need to push myself to make more days good, even when my demons come out to play. I need to push myself to be the best possible version of myself, and not to let myself be constantly weighted down.

I'm too good for this. I have to keep pushing...

Paint Night!

I would just like to point out that I have no artistic talent. None. At all. I can't draw or paint or do anything artistic (other than crocheting, but I am incredibly simple with that, and can never do anything very fancy or ornate). So, when I was invited to a Paint & Sip (without the sip) at a friend's church, I was nervous at first because I have no artistic talent whatsoever. I convinced my niece to go with me - she actually can paint, and I think she's quite talented at it.

The event was this past Friday night at my friend's church, fairly close to where I live. I picked up my niece and we headed over, and I was immediately intimidated by the idea of painting this amazing piece.

Yet somehow, my painting looks arguably like the one that we were supposed to be reproducing. Somehow, my painting does not look like random globs of paint. It looks like a sunset, and clouds, and mountains, and a body of water with a reflection on it, and grass, and trees. It looks like I actually kind of sort of can paint, and I am kind of blown away by that. I have seen friends post pictures over the years of paint night events, and their pictures always look amazing. They always look like they know exactly what they are doing, and I have zero idea how they can do it because there was no way I could ever do something like that without ruining it. But I did it. I did it, and it looks decent.

Of course, I see flaws (I judge myself so hard all of the time), but I am actually impressed with myself - partly for coming out of that evening and appearing like I have some sort of artistic talent, even though I know the real truth - and partly for being brave enough to try something new. A year ago, I rarely left the house, and I certainly was not up for trying things like this. A year ago, I was just barely surviving, and was going through the necessary motions of life - and not even really feeling like doing this. To be fair, I still rarely leave the house (taking care of the pets is a big job, and more time consuming than one might think - couple that with being on my feet all day at work, and sometimes I'm just too tired to go out after work). But I am taking steps. Small steps, but steps nonetheless. And at thirty-four years old, I am really proud of the person I am allowing myself to become.

If you're in the northeastern Pennsylvania area, and looking to do a Paint Night event/Paint & Sip, I highly recommend getting in touch with Jill Carletti. She did a fantastic job instructing all of us painting amateurs, and making us feel like we were doing a good job! Look her up, book an event with her, or attend one of her scheduled events!

Lovely, talented ladies!

Your politics don't define you

I've said it before, but I feel that it needs saying again - I am once again saddened by the amount of absolute hate that I see coming from people I know via social media. Just because someone has a different opinion that you does not make them wrong. Just because you believe something with your whole heart does not make you right. Wishing actual physical bodily harm on someone for having a different opinion than you is the exact same thing that you claim to be against, and the hypocrisy is making my head hurt. You can't say that you love America for its freedoms in one breath, and then turn around and say that we should ship people who have a different opinion than you off to some other country and let them see what it's like to be treated badly, to be beaten, to be a second-class citizen - that's not how it works.

My social media accounts likely just need a cleansing, but I have tried so hard to be kind to people of all walks of life - and truth be told, some of these people seem like really genuinely decent human beings - when they're not spewing hypocritical commentary. And the thing is, I know that they are actually decent human beings - and they are just like me in so many regards. They want to have a good day, be surrounded by people who make their lives better, and to know that the world will be a better place for the next generation. I don't wish a single ounce of ill will on anyone who I see strutting around social media acting tough - I just with they would realize that the things they are saying completely contradict themselves.

You can't fight hate with hate - it doesn't work that way. You just breed more and more hate, until the hate is at a dangerous level. I'm far from saying that a few of us nobodies from rural Pennsylvania can change the world and stop war, but I am fully convinced that maybe - just maybe - if we stopped acting like such know-it-alls, and really just listened to someone else's viewpoint and really understood why they felt that way, the world really would be a better place. Just because someone may label themselves as a liberal, or a conservative doesn't really mean anything about them. If I label myself as one or the other, far too many conclusions are jumped to about me - and I'd frankly rather not associate myself with either side.

Stop wishing ill will on others. Stop hating each other because of their stance on whether they think the President is doing a good job, or whether they think people should be able to afford to go to college, or whether they think there should be better background checks before people can buy guns. Wishing that someone would get killed, raped, or in any other way hurt because of how they feel about a political issue(yes - I have literally heard and seen people say these things) is the most mind-numbing thing I have ever heard.

You're better than this. I know you are. Please prove to me that you're really better than this.

Movies from the 80's

I was messing with the Amazon Fire Stick, trying to find something to watch, when I stumbled onto The Wizard Of Oz. Everyone knows The Wizard Of Oz, right? I feel like it was a staple in every child's life from the time it was released eighty or so years ago until now. But it got me thinking about movies that I grew up with as staples that other people seem to have never heard of.

Here's my little trip down memory lane...

Alice in Wonderland (IMDB link here)! No, no! Not the Disney cartoon version (though that was is pretty great in its own right, albeit a little trippy for my adult tastes). I'm talking about the 1985 made-for-television movie with the star-studded cast. I can never find people who have heard of this at all (despite finding it for sale at a Wal-Mart when I was living in Maryland). This was my go-to movie when I was home sick from school, or on snow days. I'm sure my brother Joe might even remember a good chunk of it because I watched it constantly. I'm fairly certain this movie sparked my lifelong love of unicorns, because of "The Lion and the Unicorn." The Jabberwocky in this film was absolutely terrifying, and I'm fairly certain I fast-forwarded through that scene every time. If you haven't seen this movie, I highly recommend grabbing it on Amazon, and settling in for the best time you ever had. I have far too many favorite parts to list, but I always love the end scene - "Can You Hear Us Alice?" Very reminiscent to me of the last scene of "Labyrinth" (but with a lot less mayhem).

Christmas Eve on Sesame Street (IMDB link here)! I don't care how old I get - I need to find time to watch this special every year at Christmastime! From the opening ice skating scene, to Bert and Ernie's version of The Gift of the Magi, to the kids and Linda singing to Bob in sign language (this gets my heart every single time). "True Blue Miracle will forever be one of my favorite Christmas songs. After all of these years, I could still watch this movie all year long - but I make myself wait until November or so to break out my DVD (a friend was kind enough to buy it for me two Christmases ago when I mentioned streaming it on YouTube every year) so that the magic never fades. This has me realizing that I'll have to write a Christmas-movie-specific post in several months, because there are just so many others that are also amazing.

The World of Strawberry Shortcake (IMDB link here)! The original Strawberry Shortcake - none of that remake nonsense. I can still sing songs from the movies, and I will randomly mention the peculiar purple pie man of porcupine peak (which always confuses whoever I mention it to - which is always fun to try to explain). This original version of Strawberry Shortcake was adorable (I very much dislike her later counterparts - but that could be because I am just so used to this adorable round-faced little girl and her precious polka-dot kitty). There were a few different movies, one of which featured these adorable little berry-kins, which were basically like baby versions of Strawberry and her friends. I mean, seriously, how could you not love the adorableness of this cartoon? I think that every girl born in the late seventies and early eighties knows Strawberry Shortcake, to be fair, but I feel like she has gotten lost in the abyss of cartoons. A quick google search first brings up pictures of the newer Strawberry Shortcake reincarnations, which is a shame to me. This will forever be THE Strawberry Shortcake. Embrace her. Love her. Quit trying to change her.

There are so many other greats of my childhood - but these make me especially nostalgic. Go watch them! What movies make you nostalgic? If you're an eighties kid like me, shoot me some titles in the comments so I can see if I remember them.

My pets' wishlist

I regularly add items to my wish list for my pets on Amazon. I actually add to that list considerably more often than I add to my own personal wish list (which basically consists of a few vegan and vegetarian cookbooks, and some cute home décor). Here are a few of the things that are on our wish list - some practical and some fun! 

1. A really decent dog shaver. My cousin who grooms dogs professionally recommended this Andis model, for my far-too-fluffy dog, who is starting to resemble Sprocket from Fraggle Rock. We will probably opt for something cheaper to start with, and hope that it works for Tuck's thick curls.
2. HomeoPet Feline Nose Relief. We keep one of these on hand at all times, to help ward off any runny nose issues. Because my cats are leukemia positive, a runny nose is often the sign of something worse lurking, but this has definitely helped to alleviate some of the sickness in our house.
3. Lysine Powder! When you have cats who have compromised immune systems, every little bit of defense helps. We were prescribed Lysine chews by our vet, but no one in the house would eat them - not even the dogs! We switched over to a powder that I just mix into their food. It doesn't seem to bother them that it's there, so I plan to continue this method.
4. Richard's Organics Pet Calm. We keep a bottle of this in the house for bad anxiety days. Luckily, we don't get those days often, but occasionally a bad thunderstorm will turn Champ into a shaking mess of a dog. This stuff must taste great, because he is always ready for it!
5. We use a Breeze Litter System (which we highly recommend - but watch the price because it often drops down to about $35) that uses pads in the drawer underneath. I've switched from using the name brand pads to using these much-cheaper off-brand pads by GOBUDDY. Truth be told, they don't work nearly as well - but they do still work out to be cheaper for me even when I have to change them considerably more often.
6. This really cool thermal pet bed. In fact, we might need a few! Madden is always cold, and some of the cats seem to always be looking for a warm space to hang out. We keep the house relatively cool to save on heating bills, so a few of these scattered around the house would make the babies very happy!
7. This neat convertible bed! Is it a tunnel? Is it a bed? Either way, I have a few pets would enjoy snuggling inside things, and this would be ideal!
8. Harlow and Leroy in particular absolutely love these Skitter Kritter mice toys! I sell them at work in a three-pack and occasionally bring them home as they always tend to disappear (I have a feeling that I am going to move my couch one day and find a graveyard of kitty toys). While those are our favorites in this house, we also like these grey and white rattling mice toys, and these colorful fuzzy mice. We are just a toy-mouse-loving family over here!
9. Stella would love one of these awesome window seats. Her favorite pastime is sitting by the window and watching the birds and squirrels. I also plan to buy her a bird feeder this Spring, so that the bird comes closer to her.
10. I am looking to get something like this tower of tracks toy - particularly for Zelda. I want to work with her to try to get her coordination better, and think that something like this might help.

Thoughts on my special needs cats

I'm far from being an expert on anything - including feline leukemia cats - but I really feel like I have been learning so much, especially with my current batch of little loves. Sweet little Gabby makes FeLV cat number ten (not at the same time - I lost Harper, Oscar, Sawyer, Taylor and Sully, which were my first five, and swore I could never do this ever again. Until I saw Harlow's face, of course), but I am still no expert. I know my cats, though. I know each one of them, and how their "normal" looks, and how they look if they just aren't feeling well. Luckily, most of them have yet to show symptoms of sickness. Harlow, Leroy and Andy have been the perfect pictures of health, aside from a sneeze here or there, which always puts me into a slight panic mode. Gabby came to me with crusty eyes and runny nose, but she would never let me near her to medicate her. Luckily, whatever she had has cleared up and she has become a sweet little loving kitten (but don't you dare try to pick her up, because she will holler at you).

Stella has been sickly since early on, and has been on antibiotics three times in the ten months or so that I've had her. I was able to obtain some Clavamox for her last week (so grateful for friends that are involved in rescue), and she looks and sounds better than she has in months. I actually caught her playing these last few days - and this morning she play-pounced at me to engage me in her silliness. I swore Stella wouldn't make it long at all, but here she is, thriving today. She still has slightly labored breathing, and you can hear her sniffling, but there is no longer green discharge constantly running from her nose. She is no longer lethargic. She is currently playing with toys and the cats' condo - something that if you had asked me a month ago, I never thought she would do.

My newest task is to learn how to incorporate a non-FeLV kitten into the fold (yes, we will be vaccinating!). Zelda is stronger than I realized, though, and I know she'll be fine - as soon as we get to the bottom of her issues. Why does she wobble? Can it be fixed? Will she always be a little bobble-headed baby?

I recently read a Facebook post somewhere that insulted people who take in special needs pets. After all, there are so many healthy, normal pets out there who need a home. To be fair, that person is right. I have questioned at times why I do this. Healthy pets are euthanized every single day because no one steps in to adopt them, and that really is sad. But then, if I took healthy cats, I know I would have stopped a long time ago. I would have gotten one cat - or maybe two - and called it a day. I would have never taken on six healthy cats. I know what I am getting into when I take in my feline leukemia cats. I know they might not live past two or three years old. I know that my life will be full of sadness and heartache over these sweet babies. I come to terms with that every time I fall in love with a new one. I would rather change the life of a cat (or, a pet in general) who no one else wanted to give a change, than to take the healthy cat that anyone could have taken.

Where is Spring?

I am starting to wonder if it is ever going to stop snowing here in northeastern Pennsylvania. Mother Nature is cutting into all of the plans I had of cleaning up my yard, planting flowers, and most importantly - building a catio for the kittens. Sometimes I have to remind myself that the good of living back here in Pennsylvania far outweighs the bad, and that weather is just one tiny piece of the puzzle - but I'm seriously missing warmer days right about now. My Facebook timeline cover picture right now is a photograph that I took when walking the dogs around my neighborhood about two months ago, when a random mild day popped up in February. But since then, we have only had about four more days that I would consider mild enough for outdoor activities. Of course, we all know I am going to be miserable on the really hot days this summer as well. Thank goodness there is a pool in my community, and we have air conditioners for the house. If there could be some magical place where the temperature is between fifty and seventy-five degrees all year, that would be fantastic... and if that place could be free of snakes, bonus points!

I'm thinking about buying a laptop (or maybe convincing Jeremy that if he ever decides to propose, I'd rather a really cheap ring, and a halfway decent laptop instead) so that I can spend the nice Spring mornings outside on the porch, blogging in the comfortable air. I could bring the dogs out with me so that they get some more fresh air before having to be cooped up inside before I go to work. Of course, my new work schedule will likely have me going in even earlier than I am not (5 or 6 AM, as opposed to 7 AM), so I'm not sure that the dogs and I will be sitting outside at 3 in the morning. The afternoons will be ours, though, to sit outside and enjoy the day.

For now, though, we wait. We wait patiently for the Spring - but I sure do hope it's here by next Thursday when my vacation starts.

Zelda

The kitten that I assumed had cerebellar hypoplasia was confirmed to, in fact, not have it. My undereducated self just sort of assumed that all wobbly-ness in cats was the same, but apparently there are a ton of things that it could be attributed to. Zelda (I let the boyfriend name her - how generous am I?!) is being treated for (but not officially diagnosed with) toxoplasmosis. Two weeks on antibiotics should give us an idea whether that's what it is. Otherwise? It's back to the vet for some more ideas. Two weeks of quarantining, of daily antibiotics, and of being extra careful when dealing with her litter box.

I guess it's sort of a blessing that I took her in without knowing her feline leukemia status. Had she been positive, I probably would have let her just mingle with the others, which it turns out could have gotten them sick. I was worried about getting her sick, but it looks like I had it backwards. We did run a test today and determined that baby Z is negative, which will likely mean a feline leukemia vaccination at our visit in two weeks.

My vet seemed relieved when I made it clear that I was okay with whatever issue this might be. As long as the baby continues to seem happy, and not in pain, we're going to figure this out. I assume that she thought I would euthanize if antibiotics didn't improve her situation, but that is certainly not my plan. If she gets to a point where she is clearly in pain, and her quality of life is awful, we will discuss that then. But for now? She's just an odd little wobbly-headed kitten with a huge personality, and tons of love to give out. 

Oh, and I swear I'm done now. I SWEAR. I'm thinking about changing my number so that cat rescue people quit calling me.

Eight days until vacation!

Next Thursday starts my vacation! My original reason for taking vacation when I did was that I planned to go to Florida for a few days (and meander on the way down and back to see other places) for the sole purpose of going to a Thom and Coley show. Unfortunately, my two road trip buddy girl friends were unable to take the week off with me. Then it became a boyfriend and I trip idea, but realized that it wouldn't financially work (plus we weren't going to be able to secure a pet-sitter for the crew for the week - we really do need to get an RV that the critters can all travel with us in). I decided to go ahead and take the time off of work anyway, and just use the time to do some things locally.

We are less than a week out, and I am sitting here trying to figure out what I plan to do for the eight days that I have off. So far, the only real plan I have is to attend a paint night at my friend's church next Friday, and to head to the Lancaster area at some point for breakfast at Shady Maple Smorgasbord (because seriously, that's 100% worth the three hour drive - plus my friend Adele lives close enough to there that I am trying to get her to come see us when we go, and it's an opportunity for Jeremy to go shopping at Cabela's on the way there or back, which he's pretty thrilled about). Other than that, I have zero actual plans. 

I am wishing and hoping for warmer weather during vacation week so that I can walk all or most days. The dogs would appreciate that as well, I'm sure. My neighborhood is a pretty awesome spot for walking, as it's nice and quiet, and also manages to offer some pretty awesome views. I loved the handful of nice days we got this year so far that allowed me to go walking with the dogs. There are also some really great local state parks, one of which I particularly love visiting. There's a few parks I haven't visited yet that I'm looking forward to checking out. I feel like my week counting down to vacation is going to be crazy-busy (tomorrow is my only day off between now and then), but I can't wait. I am so looking forward to just spending time doing what I want to do, for eight whole days. Now I just need to find a way to get all of the chores around the house that I need to do done before vacation so that I have a bit less to worry about.

Absolutely nothing

Before I really start getting into this, I just want to point out that I am not political - at all. I don't generally offer opinions on things, because to be entirely honest, I am very uneducated on all things political. I see people spouting off uneducated opinions constantly (ahh, social media - thanks for that aspect), and I never want to sound like them - especially the ones who clearly read nothing, or who are doing nothing more than sharing a meme which a few seconds of fact checking prove is filled with inaccurate (or even outright wrong) information. I refrain from posting opinions or even links to articles on my Facebook (I'll stick to inspirational quotes, occasional selfies with good lighting, and pictures of my pets, thank you very much), but I am pretty surprised right now that I don't see more people offering up opinions about the attack on Syria the other night.

Here's the thing - I don't even know what is going on in Syria. Other than those haunting images a while back of children, bloodied in the back of an ambulance after being attacked by their own people (right? Without me pulling up some research, isn't that it?). But we (you know, not me personally, and not even the United States on its own - France and England were with us on this) dropped some bombs on Syria the other night. And now Russia seems to be threatening us (or warning us) for doing it. You know, despite the fact that Russia is supposed to be kind of patrolling Syria's airspace - and they knew we were coming, and I'm pretty sure the general conversation was something like "Yeah, that's cool... just bomb over here, and we'll move our planes over there, so you can do your thing." Did people somehow miss this? Perhaps my mind is picturing things all wrong, but apparently Russia did manage to shoot down some of our bombs before they hit their targets, but I'm picturing the entire mess being pretty lackadaisical. 

I just don't understand why everyone can't just let people live in peace and leave other people alone. Now, I'm not saying that we shouldn't step in when a government is using chemical weapons against its own people. I feel like that should somehow be our obligation - to look out for those who need it. But how could it possibly get like this in the first place? What person thinks "gee, I think I'll use these chemical weapons against five-year-olds today..." What is the end-goal? What do they think they're going to accomplish? Everyone always seems to want more than they have. More money, more land, more stuff. For what? Granted, I would love some money and some land - but mine is because I realize how much good I could do for others if I had the resources - not because I want a shiny new fancy car and a house made out of diamonds. I want more money so I can help those in need. I understand the need for government in some form. I understand the need for laws, and for order. But this constant need to fight? This need to be better than everyone else or to have more land or things than everyone else? Imagine the good that could be done if we'd stop fighting and start working together toward a better world.

Perhaps I'm just some overly optimistic hippie. I just can never grasp why people must be so horrible. Maybe we could spend some of the energy we spend destroying things to build things instead. Maybe instead of murdering your people, you could educate them, feed them, help them. Maybe instead of spending money on bombs, we could spend it on housing and support for homeless veterans, or for mental health support for those who need it. Plant a garden. Create art. Teach people worthwhile life skills.

But no, that'll never work. It's back to war we go...

Rescued is my favorite breed

Somehow in my attempt to rescue animals, I've become "that girl who takes special needs cats." The truth of the matter is - I kind of love that. The phone calls in the evening telling me that there's a cat who has no potential adopter, who will probably end up at a shelter, who will likely be put to sleep because she's a little bit different. I'm at the point where I just can't possibly take on anything else. I live paycheck-to-paycheck, and vet bills aren't cheap when your pets are healthy and normal - amplify that by a bit to understand what it's like to have feline leukemia positive cats. Add to that the fact that one is consistently ill with what seems to be a pretty rotten respiratory issue... add to it that one of them is deaf (and while that doesn't actually seem to affect him health-wise at all, it's just one more thing to try to understand), and now add to it that one kitten appears to have cerebellar hypoplasia (we're still working on research on that one, and she'll be seen by a vet later this week for a confirmation of that diagnosis). Add all of that to the fact that I have three small dogs, who are all generally healthy (other than the fact that they're getting older - a fact I hate to admit - and that I've started to supplement in some joint care products, and the fact that I occasionally have to deal with issues, like when Madden broke a toenail).

It's not even so much the expense of it all, though cat and dog food add up, as do toys (they have to have toys, right?!), cat condos, beds, blankets, litter and litter boxes, medications, and the ever-dreadful vet bills... but it's time consuming. I wake at 4:30 every morning to give myself time to take the dogs out, feed the cats, clean the litter boxes, medicate anyone who might need it (at this point it's just Stella... but it's been Stella for months). I leave for work at about 6:20 in the morning, and get home somewhere around 4:45 in the afternoon on a good day (I spend all day at work on my feet, so I come home tired and occasionally sore - I average about 13,000 steps during the work day). The dogs get taken out again and get fed. The cats get fed, litter boxes cleaned (usually once before they eat and once after), dogs fed (and now we're adding cooked chicken to their meals, so occasionally having to cook that and/or rice), dogs taken out at least two more times before the night is through. Everyone played with and petted so they don't think I'm being a bad mommy. And of course, because of my early morning alarm, I'm usually in bed by at 9:00. There are some days that I'm crawling into bed around 7:30 (not so much now that it's finally light out in the evening - but the winter was killing me!).

The thing is, I wouldn't have it any other way. I love that there are sweet little animals that need me. I love that Leroy spends time on my lap every single morning when I take my time to blog, or browse Facebook, or shop on Amazon for pet supplies I need. I love that after all of these years, Madden still seems to need me, and spends most nights curled up behind the bend of my knee while I sleep. I love that I can see progress with Stella when I'm medicating her (the last few days and a friend getting us some clavamox have made a world of difference! We're so grateful!). I love watching Gabby make progress socially - she actually solicits petting at this point! So many moments are so rewarding, and they make the hard, hectic times so worth it.

I wish money was more readily available, but we've learned to bargain shop, and we've found cheaper alternatives when it comes to things like litter box solutions. I wish time was more readily available. I wish I had more time to give everyone loads of individualized attention, but there just aren't enough hours in the day. Everyone gets loved on every day - thankfully my boyfriend is here to help with some of that load, and Harlow, Champ and Tucker seem to lean a lot toward him, so it sort of offsets things. I wish it was easier to get medications for pets when people know what they're doing (having to spend fifty dollars to be told "your cat needs antibiotics!" when I told them that when I called is incredibly frustrating). I wish I had an endless supply of things like clavamox, eye ointments, and ear treatments. But this is the life I have chosen, and we always find a way to make it work - a lot of times it means doing without something silly that I might have liked to have, because one of the pets needs something. We've had amazing support from friends who've stepped in to help with vet bills when things have gotten extremely tough in the past. We are so grateful that people help us out when we need it.

I need to go cuddle a cat now... and be grateful that though my guys don't get a long life (average life expectancy with feline leukemia is two to three years), that they get a good life, and they are shown so much love while they're here with me.

Longing for faraway places

Most of the time, I am extremely grateful that I have been able to travel a little bit around the eastern United States, and have lived in a handful of states so far in my life. But today? Today I am thinking about sitting on the front porch of Casa Fiesta in Antioch, Tennessee, enjoying nachos and a margarita. I am thinking about the amazing view from Ray's Seafood in Rye, New Hampshire (and their key lime pie - of course their key lime pie). I am thinking about walking down the boardwalk in Atlantic City, New Jersey, in the quietness of the fall when everyone has gone home for the season, but the casinos are still buzzing with life. I'm thinking about walking up and down Broadway in Nashville, Tennessee - live country music leaking out of Legend's Corner and Tootsie's. I'm thinking about late-evening adventure with my friend Rachel in Maryland, though we usually just ended up at Denny's, talking about nothing and everything. I'm thinking about going to visit my friend Adele, and how I'd always convince her that it's always a good time for some Shady Maple. I'm thinking about how easy it was when I lived close to my best friends, and how I could just call Beth and tell her I'd be right over, and we'd sit and talk and have a drink on her back patio - which was only a hundred yards or so from my own.

Once in a while, I let myself get lost in my thoughts of the places I have lived or visited. Sometimes, it's simply nostalgia or a craving for a certain food that northeastern Pennsylvania seems to be lacking. Roots are great, of course, but having been immersed in other places makes me a little sad sometimes. Sad for the friends I left behind when I moved on, and sad for the places and experiences that I can't just relive on a whim.

Sometimes, I just want to feel the breeze from the Great Lakes, or view Niagara Falls from the observation desk, or have my feet in the sand on Long Beach Island in New Jersey.

My vacation starts in two weeks, but has evolved more into a staycation, so I am going to make myself soak up northeastern Pennsylvania for all it has to offer. One day, I may be sitting somewhere else in the country, and long for something that just can't be replicated that reminds me of my childhood here, or something that I discovered when I came back as an adult.

I wish I could just take all of the places and people and things that I love and miss, and put them together so that I can visit them easily whenever I like. But then, I guess that would make them less special.

Roots

I've been thinking a lot lately about roots, and where I come from. A little over a year ago, I was given the opportunity to move "back home" and rent a house from an old high school friend. The events leading up to the offer were tough (incredibly long story short - my four feline leukemia positive cats were taken from me and put to sleep, in a crazy whirlwind day), but once the offer was made, and I felt like my life in Maryland was in shambles, I knew it was happening for a reason.

Looking back at Facebook memories, things that felt like they took a lifetime actually happened so quickly. My transfer with work was a huge pain, but it happened fairly quickly; selling basically everything I owned happened quickly; borrowing a van and packing up what was left of my belongings and getting them into a storage locker in northeastern Pennsylvania actually happened very quickly. I think back about it and feel like it must have taken me months to get everything to fall into place, when in reality, the whole process took about two weeks. From the moment the cats were taken away, until the moment I pulled up in my dad's driveway with my dogs and a tote of clothes was only about a two week process, and that only further cements the fact to me that it was meant-to-be.

The offer in Pennsylvania was too good to be true. In Maryland, I had been renting a small double-wide on an acre of land, and was paying $900/month just for rent. That didn't include heating oil in the winter, or electric to run the air conditioning in the summer, or cable/internet. I was offered a considerably larger house, complete with a wrap-around porch and a large unfinished basement on a comparable sized piece of land for $750/month, including electricity and internet. It really was a no-brainer.

Starting over is always hard. My job has become a sort of comfort zone, so even starting over at a new location is never bad - learning new names and new habits of people is challenging, but I have done it repeatedly, and it's become old-hat. There's always this sense of "now what?" though.

Despite moving back to the area where I grew up, everything is different. Some old friends moved away, and some stayed. Others have come back over the years, either to this same area or at least to the general region where we grew up. But nothing is the same. I used to come home and visit a few times a year, and never saw any old friends. For a long time, I didn't drive, so I had no way to go visit people out here in the country, and by the time I did start driving - I felt like they wouldn't want to see me anyway (I blame the depression and constant anxious thoughts much more than the reality of the situation). Over the years when I would come home to visit, even my family would go on with their lives as if I wasn't here, so moving back I knew I would be alone and have to re-figure-out who I was, and how I fit into a world that I hadn't been a part of for fourteen years.

It's crazy how all of it works, really. It's crazy who comes around and who doesn't. In my first week, I connected with a girl I went to high school with, and we went out to trivia night at a bar (admittedly, this was so I could meet a guy I had been talking to on a dating site - which did not end well). This was a girl I hadn't even talked to in high school. I knew her name, and I'm sure I had seen her face, but this wasn't someone I really knew. And yet, there was something comforting about reconnecting with my past. I got together a few months later for dinner with a girl friend who still lived locally, and another who was home to visit. It was comforting how it was like we never skipped a beat. It was as if I hadn't been gone for fourteen years.

My meetings with old friends have been few and far between. I have managed to make friends at work who keep me fairly sane in an insane world. But now, I am invited to things locally. Old friends have made an effort to let me know about their baby showers, parties, church events. While I haven't been able to attend many things, they're always such a comfort. It's amazing how much I still have in common with the people that I have known since we were kids. I always assumed that the only thing we had in common was that we grew up on this mountain, but that nothing else could connect us. And yet, here I am, reconnected with friends and acquaintances that I knew back then, and everything just seems okay with the world. It's oddly comforting to be surrounded by people who knew who I was before. Before I ever had a broken heart, before I went away and roamed for years. They knew who I was before I lost my mother, and perhaps that's a part of it - even though I don't really talk about it. These people knew who I was before loss, before the world chewed me up and spit me back out, before I felt myself lying crumpled up and useless on the floor. They knew me before depression reared its ugly head, and before the episodes where I was too broken to leave the house. They knew me before I had the guts to stand up for myself, and before I had any sense of self-value. They knew, and they were still right there beside me.

Roots are a funny thing, I guess. No matter how hard you try to believe that you don't have any, there they are - pulling you back in, helping to keep you from completely falling flat on your face. I swore for years that there was nothing to hold me here, and that I had no roots. And yet, here I am, embracing everything that made me who I was.

And really, I think I kind of like it.

Archbald Pothole State Park

       

Jeremy and I only discovered the existence of this little oddity today because we were out playing Pokémon Go. Admittedly, we are huge nerds, and I saw that this place on our way home happened to be a Pokestop. I had seen the sign at the entrance before - Archbald Pothole State Park - and never thought much about it, assuming that perhaps Pothole was someone's particularly unfortunate last name.

Alas, it is a small park, that consists of a fence and a cement observation deck to look at a giant hole in the ground, caused by water erosion that caved in during a coal mining expedition over a hundred years ago (further research tells me that there is a walking trail in the park, but perhaps we will save that for a nice, warm day). It's actually fairly fascinating - and a bit terrifying to stand on that cement overlook, as the hole continues underneath where you stand, and you sort of wonder if this might be the day that it just can't take it anymore, and you plummet along with it to your doom. 

I have visions of kids climbing into the hole, looking for treasure, much like the Goonies. Surely there must be a long-forgotten pirate ship deep within the hole - never mind the fact that Northeastern Pennsylvania is a bit too far inland for that.

The discovery of this neat little spot has made me excited for warmer weather, so that I can go out and find more of Pennsylvania's hidden treasures.

I'm only disappointed that Michael Scott never took a trip here on The Office. I mean, this would have been a much cooler way to find his successor that going to Lake Scranton. And I mean, it's super-close to the fictional office...

Re-routed dreams

I've been thinking a lot lately about how my life didn't turn out remotely like I planned, and about things I did along the way to accidentally sabotage its direction. Don't get me wrong - I'm happy. I have bad days, and those bad days come after me like a hungry shark, trying to devour me and drag me to the bottom of the sea. There are days where the best I can do is get out of bed, but that admittedly is not because of any life choices in particular, but because depression is, for lack of a better word, a bitch.

I never imagined that I would be working in retail well into my thirties, and I certainly never imagined that I would be unmarried and childless at this age. Goals have sort of shifted along the way, but I often wonder what I could have become if I had pushed myself.

I always did well in school without even trying. Unfortunately, that became a bit of a curse. By the time I got to college, I had never opened a book to study. When college rolled around, and was harder than I was used to, I had no concept of how to study. Of course, college was when I also started dealing especially hard with depression. What had manifested itself as an eating disorder in high school and the years I took off before going to college was now a can't-get-out-of-bed problem, so I missed classes, had no social life, and was pretty much wasting my life. I never got my momentum back in my early-to-mid twenties, and just sort of settled for the retail job because I didn't know how to actually do anything worthwhile.

Fast forward thirteen years or so, and here I am, still working the retail job. Of course, I make more money now (almost double, but it's still not a lot, to be fair), and despite changing positions in that retail job, it's still the same old thing. It's become my comfort zone, despite so many uncomfortable happenings in the last thirteen years. It's all I know. I don't know how to go anywhere else and be successful because my anxiety keeps me from trying. I make enough money to live, but not enough to get ahead. Going back to school is no longer an option because I just can't afford it. It's frustrating being where I am financially - I make too much money to get any assistance, but not enough money to actually afford to go back to school or to better myself. A second job might be an option, but then  I will be working my life away and not really getting to enjoy it - and is that the kind of life that I want? I like, especially with my current schedule, that I am home in the evenings, and that I have a semblance of normalcy as far as days off and hours go.

And to be honest, I'm not even entirely sure what I would want to do if I could afford to go back to school. The job that I really want doesn't really pay any more than I make now (but it would require at least a two years schooling program), so it's not as if it would somehow magically better my financial situation, nor would the hours be any better or different than the ones I currently work. It would be rewarding, though, and I try to tell myself that that's what matters. There is nothing to indicate that it would improve my life in any way, though, and maybe that's something that I really need to think about.

I wish that teenage me had had the guts to really explore options, to learn to apply herself, to find her passion and stick to it. But then, I guess I wouldn't be where I am, surrounded by people who really seem to get me - and having met so many wonderful people along the way.

Maybe hopes and dreams are meant to get lost along the way to lead you to something that you never realized you wanted, or show you that you are good at something you never realized you could be good at.

Changes

I have decided that changes are, in fact, going to be made on the work-front. I am not entirely sure yet what that will mean for my schedule, but it looks as though I might be working even earlier hours here going forward. I am one hundred percent excited at the aspect of going in to work at five or six in the morning, rather than seven - especially with summer approaching. Getting out at two or three, and having time to go walking, or go sit by the pool sounds absolutely delightful.

The changes mean that I will be taking a small pay cut, but the reduced stress will be worth it. I figure that I can always find some way to help supplement my income if I have to. I am very excited to start my new role here in a few weeks!

In other terribly exciting news, it's snowing. Again. I swear this Pennsylvania winter is just never going to end. My poor dogs are so confused these days, and I know that they were just longing for nice long walks at the park at this point. Poor things. I can't tolerate the cold at this point. I was fine, and then I dropped a bunch of weight, and now the cold goes right through me. My body can't handle being out in it for long at all, so the poor dogs are stuck with quick little trips outside until I can bear the weather (and then, look out dogs! I hope you're prepared to walk five miles at a time!). I am so ready for mild weather, for long walks at the park, for sitting by the pool.

I am hoping that the last week of April into the first few days is mild to warm - the boyfriend and I will be on vacation from work, though we aren't actually going anywhere (the original plan was Florida for a concert, but I just couldn't afford it at this point, plus I had no one to watch the pets for the week). I need walks outside, and mild weather for getting the yard summer-ready, and cleaning off the porch, and having a fire to get rid of our stash of cardboard in the basement. Even a few days in the sixties would make me happy at this point.

Once vacation is over, it will be time to start getting ready for my work change, so I am going to be working hard to get my departments in order between now and then so that whoever my replacement is has an easier time than I had a year ago when I took over.

Life is about to get crazy and wonderful. I can't hardly wait.

Sometimes, I pretend I'm a doggy doctor.

My sweet tiny Madden was feeling mopey the last week and a half or so. I somehow have become super-hovering-mom with the pets - probably since I've been dealing with feline leukemia positive cats for the last three years now, and every sneeze is a potential problem. With the dogs, it's generally different - they're pretty easy to deal with, and I've been lucky to not really have issues with them (other than Madden breaking her leg as a puppy, and occasionally using that fact to guilt me into getting extra treats). So of course when Madden started acting differently, I was at first just thinking that it was a fluke, and then as the days went on, I realized something wasn't quite right.

I searched for ticks first, or for sites on her body that look like they could have been bitten by ticks. I know I had to pull one off of her last summer, and now that I live in a much more tick-ridden area, I immediately wondered if Lymes disease could be the culprit. There was no sign of any parasite, so I was pretty stumped. My poor girl wasn't eating, and wouldn't go outside unless I carried her. She'd sit on my bed, and bark when she needed attention - barking even more than usual. When she was in her crate, she wouldn't want to come out, so we'd have to pick her up and take her out. I was pretty stumped for a few days, and was figuring out in my head how much it was going to cost to run a full blood panel, plus pay for an office visit. I worried because our vet's bedside manner isn't the greatest (I very much miss my vet in Maryland when there's something wrong!), and I wasn't in the mood to hear him be snarky at all. I just knew, though, that I'd end up at the vet soon if she didn't start acting like she felt better.

And then I figured it out. On Thursday night, I was holding Madden on my lap, cuddling her, reassuring her that I loved her and that we'd figure out what was wrong with her. And THERE IT WAS. I looked at her feet, and her dewclaw was hanging off, sort of sideways. She'd somehow snapped it near the base, so it was just hanging on. Luckily (I guess), we'd had to deal with this same thing before. My boyfriend of course looked mortified when I told him to grab the pliers so I could rip off her nail. I'd seen it done before - I could handle it. I had him distract her with a spoonful of peanut butter, while I quickly ripped off her nail. One quick motion (after I psyched myself up to do it). She yelped, I cleaned it up (a tiny drop of blood where the new part of the nail was already pushing through).

Within half an hour, she seemed a little bit better. By the next day, she was exponentially better. Now she's been running all over the house, jumping, playing, eating... And this dog-mom is thrilled because she just saved herself at least fifty dollars in vet bills by just taking care of it herself. Plus, after talking to a customer at work about dog food, I decided to start supplementing Madden's meals. She's always been underweight, though she does eat, so I decided to start making her chicken and rice and mixing it with some wet dog food (I was primarily doing dry food for all of the dogs, with canned as an occasional treat). She's starting to look HEALTHY. It's been two days, and I swear she's already put on weight (but when you're only seven pounds to start with, an ounce or two will actually show up). So excited to be making my sweet little baby feel better and be healthier and happier. I need her to be around for a very long time - she really is my best friend.

I Am a Woman

I love my early mornings. I set my alarm for four thirty, just so that I have an hour all to myself before I have to make sure that the boyfriend is up for work. That hour usually involves time to take the dogs outside, clean the litter boxes, feed the cats, and sit here at the computer catching up on Facebook, writing in this blog, or looking for inspiration somewhere out there to help me tackle my day.

This morning, I am sitting here listening to music, enjoying my Thrive lifestyle mix for breakfast, and one of my favorite songs just came on Spotify. It always amazes me how much a song can trigger emotions, or memories, or how sometimes you can hear it and you can somehow hear it differently that you've been hearing it all of the other times.

I've listened to "I Am a Woman" by Coley McCabe so many times in the last couple of years. I have two different CDs, that feature two different versions of the song, and I pop it on from time to time when sitting at the computer once in a while. I've heard it live, and it's always beautiful and powerful, and I know that it elicits emotion from Coley when she's singing it. Today, though, it somehow hit me extra hard. I somehow felt the emotions that I know it was meant to make me feel. Perhaps it took me going through some hard times, and coming out on top to feel like I was some of the aspects of the song. Perhaps it took listening in the morning, when the world was still asleep, during my peaceful calmness.

I have loved this song since the very first time that I heard it. I have looked through the book that Mary Sue Englund put together about the song with pride and admiration. But somehow, today, I love the song even more than I have ever loved it before.

The song is available on two different Coley McCable CD's (Thom & Coley's "I'm With U" plus Coley's "One of These Days" albums). If you love the song, you can also grab the book (which comes with the CD single, of course!) here: http://iamawomansurvivor.com/ 

Thinking about making a change

I vented the other day about some work-related woes, without getting too into specifics. I still won't get into specifics (though if you're reading and you actually know me, you know where I work - and you may even know a lot more details of that story). A follow-up conversation with the big boss man made me feel better about that day, and being told by two different people whose opinions that I actually respect that I am doing a good job, that I am good enough, and that I am a powerhouse - their words, not mine - have me feeling so much better on that front. I've worked incredibly hard to get to the point where I am. There have been plenty of tears - and so many anxiety attacks before I got that mess mostly under control - but I am at a point where I am confident in my abilities - albeit frustrated about the mess that I have to deal with on a daily basis because other people just don't care as much as I do.

There is a new position about to open at my job, and I am constantly going back and forth on whether I want to apply for it and take it on. The thing is, it's technically a demotion, and I would lose a little bit of money (about seventy cents per hour), but I know that I would be good at it. I know that I am well-suited for the position. It would possibly offer opportunities for promotion down the line if I can prove that I am good at it - to a position slightly higher than the one I currently have, so I would earn the lost wages back and then some, if I were to get to that level. Money would be a little bit tighter, but since I just finished paying off my car last month, it would sort of even itself out. Plus, if I continue to do fairly well with my side business, I could easily make up the money there. The new position is very customer-centric, which has become my strongest attribute (funny - I always said I hated people, and didn't care much for customers... but they've become one of my favorite things about my job). My schedule would change slightly, but would still be nice, comfortable morning shifts, and actually get me out earlier than I currently get out of work.

I guess, as I sit and write about it, my only real issue would be the slight amount of money that I would lose, but it really wouldn't be a tragic loss (and perhaps I could somehow negotiate pay? Maybe? I'm not sure). I guess when you know that you'd excel at something, it would be worth the slight loss...

No anxiety like snow anxiety

Northeastern Pennsylvania didn't get the memo that it's supposed to be Springtime just yet, as we woke up to a few inches of snow yesterday. You would think that an area like this - used to unpredictable weather (sometimes it snows here as late as early May) would be prepared for things like this - I mean, it was forecasted at least a few days in advance - but alas, roads were bad, tractor trailers were crashed, cars were stuck on the side of the road. We aren't entirely sure where the plow trucks were, but they certainly weren't out plowing the roads.

I never minded snow too much before. I mean, as a kid, it was a blast! No school if it was bad enough, and you could bundle up and play outside. Now, it's mostly just a nuisance. But a storm last month has turned me into an anxious mess when it snows.

In early March we were hit with a storm that ended up having about thirty of us stranded at work overnight. Panic sets in when you realize you are going to have to sleep in a store overnight. Perhaps this would have been fun in my younger days, when I was a little more carefree, a little less anxious about things, and I didn't have three dogs at home, locked in their crates, surely uncomfortable. People saying things like "can't you call someone to go check on them?" Well, no. My boyfriend and I both have keys to my house, and he's stranded at work with me. Besides, who would I send? My elderly father who has a hard enough time getting around in good weather? The roads were beyond treacherous that night - I couldn't dream of asking anyone to risk their car - or their life - to go check on my dogs, as much as it was killing me that they were alone.

We finally got to leave work somewhere around eight o'clock in the morning the next day. Our normal thirty minute drive turned into five hours. Roads were closed everywhere, people were abandoning their cars - which then made it even worse, because the plows couldn't get through). We helped dig friends and strangers out of the snow. We warned people not to go down a certain road and then watched as they got stuck and expected people to come save them.

The whole area looked like a scene from The Walking Dead - cars everywhere with no one in them. Just add snow, and you'd swear you were watching AMC.

Now every time it's going to snow, I panic. Luckily, work understands that those of us who were stuck that night are still fragile. We made it to work yesterday - but if I had to rely on my car, we wouldn't have. But as I saw a truck, stuck, across the road, blocking us from going the way we normally would go, and forcing us into an unfamiliar detour, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't panicking.

The life of a girl with anxiety about every day life is only amplified now... if this snow could go away for a few months, my anxious little brain would appreciate it very much.

Gabriella Joy

Look who's finally coming around! My rotten little semi-feral baby is starting to act like a normal cat. I've seen her play with her kitty siblings, she runs to eat when she hears a can opening, and she's actually been letting me full-body pet her. She used to occasionally let me pet her head (as long as I didn't touch her ear-tipped ear - and I swear, there's a special place in hell for the people who did that to her), but now she's graduated to letting me start at her head and pet all the way down to the tip of her tail. She doesn't want to be picked up, and she doesn't want me to touch her belly - or her tipped ear - but my goodness, she's progressed by leaps and bounds. She's come so far from the kitten who'd cower behind the toilet in the bathroom when I first brought her home, or who'd hide in the corner of my bedroom closet.

It's quite a feat to introduce any new animal into my already-full house of pets. Even a super-friendly kitten or dog would be a chore. There's new personalities, and old personalities, and trying to find a balance between the attention you spend on the new pet and the existing pets in the household. I've never really had a pet come in that doesn't cause some sort of chaos - either because of themselves or because of the existing pets becoming overly excited or curious about their existence. It's always work. It's always rewarding, though. That first time you see the dog snuggled up with the newest cat, or see two of the cats playing together. The first time the new dog and the old dog play together without snapping at one another.

Somehow, there's always something even more rewarding when the new pet is a difficult transition. A terrified semi-feral kitten coming around is a huge deal in this house. She's surrounded by three kittens her age and younger who just want to play constantly (and thankfully one that's calmer that ended up being her best friend when she first came her), plus a dog that just want to play with her all of the time (the other two are calm and used to new cats coming in - but Tucker just wants to play all of the time. And well, if you had a ball of fur four times your size bounding at you excitedly, you'd be a little bit freaked out, too). 

Welcome to our family, Gabriella Joy! You've been in the house for a while now (it's probably bad that I never remember my pets' "gotcha dates," but when so many have transitioned in, it's hard to keep track of), but you're really a part of the family now. 

New month, new start

I find it sort of fitting that Easter falls on the first of a month this year. April Fool's Day aside, it's kind of nice that it's a nice new beginning. Despite what the calendar actually says, Easter always felt like the start of Spring for me, so new month, new season, new beginnings. It's almost time to start seeing baby deer in my yard, and I'm hoping that the robins build a nest in the tree by my porch again this year and give me sweet new babies to watch grow up. The smell of hyacinths at work these last two weeks or so took me back to my being a kid and walking to church with my family when we lived in the city. Somehow, that is Spring to me - the hyacinths.

For me, this day has extra significance now. One year ago yesterday, I officially moved back to northeastern Pennsylvania, making today the anniversary of the first day I was really back. One year ago, my first kitten in my batch of current cats was born - though I wouldn't know of her existence until six weeks or so later, or of her birthdate until I officially adopted her at nine weeks old. She's my new beginning as far as animal rescue goes, and she opened my heart to the idea of saving FeLV+ cats again - something I never thought I could do again had you asked me in mid-March of last year.

I'm not particularly religious - other than believing that there is a God - plus I have to work today and miss holiday festivities with my family (though I may be able to head to my sister-in-law's this evening after work for dinner and fun with her, her kids, and my brother). Today seems like more of a reflective day for me. I woke up thinking about new beginnings, and about what I can do to change somethings, starting today. After my work hiccup the other day, I decided to fight harder and be even better this year than I was these last few months. I have ideas for merchandising and events that pertain to my department. I have ideas for getting back on track and standing out as one of the good ones again. I have non-work plans that involve getting my yard summer-ready - cleaning up leaves and debris, planting more grass, planting flowers, cleaning up the fire pit, cleaning the deck. 

I'm taking some time off at the end of the month, which will give me more time to get the property cleaned up, and some time to do some things I've been wanting to do since moving back home - day trips to some of the places I used to visit as a kid, long walks by the lake, rediscovering places that I've long forgotten.

It's a new day, everyone. A new month. A new season. You can change anything about yourself right now (to be fair, you can do that any day, but today seems extra fitting for it). Get out there. Be who you want to be. Change what you need to change.